UPJOKE

My Local Jokes

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I think my local garage is ripping me off...

does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.

He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

My local bakery has gone bust.

Turns out they weren't making enough bread.

I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied..

"We're already open till 10 most nights. "

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

I phoned up my local take away and asked for a kebab.

I said: do you deliver? The guy said no, just lamb or chicken!

I heard my local bank was offering mortgages with no interest, so I walked in and said, "I’m here to find out about mortgages." The worked looked at me and replied...

"I don’t really care."

My local hospital brought in a priest to bless all the bags of IV saline…

…but they got in trouble for using God’s name in vein.

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.

Cops have nothing to go on

My local Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill.

They said they can't turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local garden center has become like really sketchy neighborhood.

It's filled with rakes, hoes, and there's bird shit everywhere.

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

I like going to my local church on Sunday and arguing my opinions to the group

You could say that I am a mass debater

My local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars day on May 4th with an Anakin special.

It’s an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

I went to my local art museum to see a Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit

There's something familiar about her art style but I can't put my finger in it...

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

So I was hearing a story about how my local chemist met her husband. Apparently he came in asking for some extra, extra, extra, extra large condoms.

Only later did she discover he had a stutter.

I always visit my local tire shop on New Years.

Because then I will know it will be a goodyear.

So I was at my local store...

So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".

We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Beer flavoured Lube that is 6.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

My local Chinese takeaway is really struggling with cost of energy bills

They don't want to turn all the lights off, but they do dim sum

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

I visited my local mosque today.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out the reason why you take your shoes off is not because there is a bouncy castle inside.

My Local Pizza Place Just Folded

Now they serve Calzones.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith.

When I got home he made a bolt for the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

My local public swimming pool had a big sign on the wall.

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

I’m pretty sure my local corner shop is a money laundering front.

I’ve been in there about 1000 times and not once have I seen a corner for sale.

I'm not saying my local Walmart is bad.

I'm just saying it has a police precinct.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.

As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti.

She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?”

She replied “you’re fuckin ugly”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local Chipotle is organizing a stand-up comedy night

I'm going for shits and giggles

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

My local sperm bank now has a guestbook..

To see who came before you.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

The owners of my local strip club have closed until further notice

Apparently nobody wants to twerk anymore!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.


On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.


I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chri...

My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts.

"Mass mass mass murders." they said.

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

I was just in my local supermarket...

Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of.

I called him a selfish b\*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed o...

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read in my local paper this morning about some guy who got caught having sex with a sheep.

I had to read it twice, couldn't believe they spelt my name wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I take a trip to my local glory hole…

So I took a trip down to the local glory hole and was lucky enough to find someone on the other side who was down to party! I was having a great time until I heard a GUY moan on the other side of the hole. Like, wait, has it been a DUDE’S cock i’ve been sucking this whole time?!?!

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly...

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

My local gym costs $120 for an entire year

That’s $60 per visit, not a great deal.

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range.

The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.

I went to my local all you can eat buffet...

and there was this girl only choosing vegetables?


I thought, I’ve never seen herbivore.

I got thrown out of my local car dealer today

I told them to get Miata there.

I am unemployed but my local News show said there's 2000 jobs in Jeopardy..

So I'm moving there on Monday..

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it’s the ATM machine at my local bank.

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

They should've hired taller employees


(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

My local book shop had a sale on "1/3 off all titles"

I scored a pristine hardback copy of 'The Lion, The Witch'

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a Morris Day and the Time double album for sale at my local record store.

It has their greatest hits as well as their biggest flops.

It was the best of Time and the worst of Time.

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipment of Viagra was stolen from my local Pharmacy this morning.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop.

But I think I'll pass

I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that

There are prose and cons

My local store organizes their shampoo aisle like Ajax.

Head and Shoulders above the rest.

My local off-licence has started hosting a book club.

First up is Tequila Mockingbird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

I recently saw a catfish at my local river.

No clue how it baits the hook with those tiny paws.

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre

It's a play on words.

I went to my local grocery store to buy some GameStop stock.

But they only sell beef, chicken, and vegetable.

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

I bet my local butcher $100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

he said, "Sorry man, the steaks are too high."

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

A man collapsed in the lentil aisle at my local supermarket.

Fortunately, when the paramedics arrived, they found a pulse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.

They now serve rawomen.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

I went to my local watch shop

I went to my local watch shop and said, “I'd like to buy a watch please.”

“Analogue?”

“No thanks, I'll just take the watch.”

I was in a line at my local post office this morning when

two masked men entered.

TOTAL PANIC.

Then they said...this is a robbery.


We all calmed down

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

There was a fire at my local dollar store

Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local grocery store was robbed of almost $10,000

the thieves managed to get away with two containers of lysol wipes, four bottles of hand sanitizer and a package of chicken breasts.

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.

The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

My local night club has had to fire their resident DJ

Apparently he wasn't up to scratch

My local brothel is closed due to covid.

The sign on the door says: Beat it, we're closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

My local dental hygienist passed away last week.

A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.

My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest

I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

My local high school was renamed from Stonewall Jackson High School to Unity Reed High School.

_What school do you attend?_

U.R. High

I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

My local priest keeps scolding me for all my sinning, Jesus died for all our sins, all that stuff.

I am just trying to be helpful. If no one sins, he died for nothing.

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local theatre were showing some XXX Roman plays..,

I thought that it sounded pretty hot, turns out it was just 30 Roman plays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was strolling through my local graveyard walking the dog...

When I noticed a man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning." I said, tipping my hat to him.

"Nope," he replied "just taking a shit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man was shot in my local town last night with a starting pistol

The police think the shooting was race related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

My local coastline has been so overfished that during 30 minutes of snorkeling I saw only a single fish.

It was the sole survivor.

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

Even though I've got sick every time I go to my local shawarma place, I still went back yesterday.

Now I falafel.

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