UPJOKE

My Life Jokes

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other te...
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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Ohio is stealing my life story

A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area
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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.
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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.
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I wish I was poor one day in my life...

Because being poor everyday sucks...
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Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

My life is just like Rihanna's new song.

Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!
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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.
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Ever since I made some changes in my life, people have been saying that I have that "It" factor.

The clown makeup and red balloon really do wonders!
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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.
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Never in my life will I ever bunjee jump

Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either.
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My life is like an over produced comic book series

It's just one issue after another, and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
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My life should be perfect!

I mean, come on. I get free food and housing, nice orange clothes, and sex every day! But I still hate it.

...Man, I can't wait to get out of prison...

All my life I had wanted a Geiger counter but never knew why until I could finally afford one.

Then it clicked
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I have enough money to last the rest of my life…

provided I die next Thursday.
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I like to live my life in the edge.

But still, some people might prefer to use Chrome.
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My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)
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A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says.

“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
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All my life, I've always wanted to spank a rock

Then I hit rock bottom...
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My life peaked when I got to fly a helicopter.

Unfortunately its been a downward spiral ever since.
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Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.
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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

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My life goal is to own a pub called The Nearest Blowjob.

And situate it in someplace that nonlocals struggle to find.

Patient: What's my life expectancy?

Doctor: 120

Patient: 120 what? Days? Weeks? Months?

Doctor: 119
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I feel severely let down by two people in my life.

My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.
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I'm in my 40's and have never used essential oils in my life...

...which makes me think they're not really essential at all
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It's called an oughtobiography.
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I only like two things in my life.

Boobs.

It’s not the women in my life that counts,

it’s the life in my women.
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A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U
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”You’re the light of my life!”

”Yeah, well then why do your pupils dilate every time you see me?”
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I’ve trained to be a limo driver for half my life, but yesterday I lost my license

All that time wasted, with nothing to chauffeur it
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My life is like a penis

Women make it hard

My life is a joke

Wait nevermind, jokes have meaning
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I wanna have a smoking hot bod for once in my life

That’s why I’ve decided on cremation
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Food is the love of my life...

...but it's always leaving me.
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Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...
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I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.
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My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it
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I have done many things in my life

A woman is not one of them.
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Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

My phone saved my life by taking a bullet.

Shot on iPhone.
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All my life i thought air was free

Until i bought a bag of chips
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Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...
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What is the difference between my life and a knife?

The Knife has a point
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I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".
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I was abducted by aliens. They interrogated me about everything I did wrong in my life. In the end they sentenced me to life without parole on a prison planet where every day is a living nightmare.

Then they brought me home.
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I’ve been vegan for 90% of my life.

The other 10% I’ve spent eating.
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My life is like a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs.

It’s just one fucking thing after another

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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

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I had the best sex of my life while camping.

It was fucking in tents

A lesson from my life as a monk

I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.

One thing that surprised me ...
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My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...
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Man: "Aww geez, my life sucks!"

Narrator in Hiroshima: *It was about to get a whole lot worse*
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Elevators are like my life.

Awful music and full of people who can't wait to get out.
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I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
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The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)
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I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.
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My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.
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I had the worst day of my life yesterday.

My friend told me that it could be worse and that I could be stuck in a hole filled with water somewhere.

It’s ok, I know he means well.
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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes
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Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government
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My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.
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Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.
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I needed some change in my life

So I decided to start a coin collection. I know it seems odd but it makes cents to me.
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I always wanted my life to be a meme

Dead within a week
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I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".
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My kids are the sunshine of my life

Over-exposition invariably leads to a burn out
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Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk
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This has been the craziest day of my life.

First, I find a hat full of cash. Then, I’m chased by an angry man with a guitar
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What do my life and my sandwich have in common

They both fall apart right in front of my eyes
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My life is like /r/jokes.

More or less the same shit every day.

My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos
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