UPJOKE

My Husband Jokes

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

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My husband calls me a sex object

Everytime he wants sex, I object

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

My husband has been missing for six days now

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."

"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"

"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."

^(getting exasperated) "Does he ...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

I just asked my husband

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, ....

...."This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

Help! My husband's too controlling!

Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

My husband beats me at regular intervals

Hertz

I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

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my husband got slapped yesterday!

he walks into an elevator and sees a woman with huge breasts, and can’t stop staring. finally, she rolls her eyes, and says “could you please, just press 1?.” and he did!

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

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My husband came back with a prescription for Dailysex

I had to tell him it was for Dyslexia

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

My husband just asked me if I wanted to have a "68." I asked him, "What's that?"

"That means you do me, and I owe you one."

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker...

...but when I got home all the signs were there.

I told my husband he should fight his demons

Thats all I remember before being knocked out

My husband is best

3 wives are conversing….first says my husband is best: he cooks food and takes care of kids.
Second says my husband is best: he does all the household chores and spoils me with presents every day.
Third one says shut up! I have the best husband-he goes to therapy 6days in a week and all he tal...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

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Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

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My husband is really arrogant about his ballsack.

He's so egotesticle.

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

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Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can i give him?

Doctor: My number

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

My husband’s favorite joke

Loosely translated from Italian


An old man walks into a bakery and asks for 5kg of bread.

The lady behind the counter says “sir, but it will get hard!”

The old man replies: “really? Then give me 10kg!”

My husband told me to embrace my mistakes

So I hugged him :)

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My husband died of viagra overdose

Sorry, must've been hard for you

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

My husbands home!

A week after coming home from the army Bill decided to grab a beer at his favourite bar.

"Hey Bill!" The barman says, "good to have you back buddy!"

"My wife thinks the same," Bill tells the barman as he sips his beer, "she is so happy I'm back."

"Oh really and how do you know ...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude...

He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

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Doctor, My husband just can’t have enough sex

A married woman goes to her doctors office and starts complaining: “it’s just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can’t take it anymore is there something that I...

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I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything,

... but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before he met you?", the friend asks.

The woman replied, "A multi - millionaire."

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

My husband just told me I should name my next dog Peeve.

So I can tell everyone, “This is my pet peeve.”

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

My husband asked me if he was the only one I had been with?

I told him, “yes, all the others were nines & tens”

“I will never vaccinate our children” yelled my husband.

“Why can’t we just pay a doctor to do that like a normally family” he said.

My husband says I treat him like he’s a god

every meal is a burnt offering.

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

Told my husband I want to be cremated.

He made me an appointment for Tuesday.

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

- Just to tell you that my husband will be back in an hour.

- Well, and? We are not doing anything wrong.
- Exactly... and time is running out!

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

My husband was in the kitchen making a lot of noise....

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was killing flies. I asked if he was having any luck. He said yes, he had killed two males and three females. I asked, "how can you tell?" He answered, " two on the beer can, three on the phone".

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

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My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn't have time to.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

Ever since the storm started, my husband won’t stop looking through the window.

If it gets any worse, I will have to let him in

My husband is like a phone update.

He comes unexpectedly and takes up more space.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

BLONDE One afternoon, two blondes were sitting on the front porch. The first woman said" Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

My husband: I forgot how to spell briefly

Me: do you remember how to spell now?

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

My husband dies and i want a funeral

So i go to the nearest cemetary and discuss the arrangements, i remember that my husband wabted to be burried in a fine black suit. So i give the clerk 100$ to go get a nice black suit for the funeral.

The funeral happens and he is burried in a extraordinary black suit. I ask the clerk how he...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

My husband's most recent musing:

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

Sheriff, my husband left the house earlier today to buy rice for lunch and he still hasn't come back. What do I do?

\- I don't know, maybe pasta.

I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

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Having sex with my husband is like getting vaccinated.

You may feel a small prick.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered. I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried. I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor. His tone changed to sarcas...

I am 33, my Husband is 36

We are a really nice couple.

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

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My husband and I both lost our jobs.

We were desperate for a way to make money so I brought up the idea of being a prostitute. He was ok with it as long as he was able to be close by for safety.
I was on the street corner when a car pulled up and a man asked what it would cost to fuck? I had no idea so I excused myself and ran ove...

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemai...

Courtesy of my husband this morning

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks "Good grief, what do you call t...

"doctor, my husband thinks he is a car. First he drinks five litres of gasoline abd then he runs 20km."

"I understand your concern." Said the doctor "With 5 litres he should run atleast 50km."

A woman in her forties tells her doctor, “My husband has completely lost interest in me”.

He gives her a bottle of drops, and tells her: “Put three drops in his dinner, no more, no less”.

She then goes home and makes dumplings. Right before the time he usually gets home from work, she puts three drops in, but then remembers how apathetic he is, and goes for the whole bottle.
...

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband kept telling me to lower my voice during sex

I never understood his batman fetish.

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