My Grandma Jokes - 116 Hilarious My Grandma Jokes

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

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My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

It’s an old gag

My grandma has the heart of a lion ....

....and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".

She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

My grandma started sharing her recipes on TikTok

Now she’s on OnlyNans

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

My grandma flaps her legs during her seizures

We all get a kick out of it

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My girlfriend and my grandma have the same name

The worst thing is that, when we have sex, I yell my girlfriend's name

My grandma died on Christmas…

They want me to do yule-ogy

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

My grandma told me this one.

An older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same h...

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

I told her no...I don't like going to graveyards.

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

I told my dad I want to marry my grandma.

He said: "No way, you cannot possibly marry my mother!"

But him marrying my mother was totally ok? What a hypocrite.

“I used to make sandcastles with my grandma”

But then my mother would tell me to put the urn back

I’ll never forget my Grandma’s final words :

“What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

Shoutout to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

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We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

My grandma hates her new stairlift...

She says it drives her up the wall.

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

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My Grandma's favorite saying

Life is the ultimate disease. Its sexually transmitted and terminal.

I told my Grandma to act her age

She died

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

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My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I was 11 years old.

She sings
"Ree Ree hit him in the knee, Rass Rass....
Hit him in the other knee"

11 year old me rofl'd

I'd like to tell you a joke my grandma told me about telling jokes

But I never meta

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

I unplugged my grandma's life support

The moment was really breathtaking.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

Now neither of us are rolling.

A Joke My Grandma Told Me

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Be...

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So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

And I couldn’t help but notice the distinct taste of horse semen. Then I thought to myself....”maybe that’s how she died”

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

My Grandma tried to not show favourites

But her will was a dead giveaway

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to!

Me: I know.
Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.
Me: I know.

(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)

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My grandma always said...

Growing up, my grandma always said: "a penis ate is a penny earned". She was a wise woman, but I'm starting to think that her rates were kind of low.

My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me.

Now the closet we'll ever be is six feet

Teacher to Student T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

I've just found out that my grandma was on the Titanic...

....and as far as I know, she still is !!

My grandma is 80 years old, and still doesn't need glasses...

She drinks right out of the bottle.

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

My grandma's advice

My grandma always used to say " don't laugh at anybody, you might end up like them too".

From that day forth I started laughing at bill gates

What's the difference between my phone and my grandma?

When my phone died I pluged it in. When my grandma died I unplugged her.

I put my grandma on speed dial.

I call that instagram.

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.

And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

I hadn't seen my grandma for a long time, she looked so different from the last time I'd seen her. She told me that she had become a vegan for a few months now.

She had changed so much since she became a vegan. It was like I'd never seen herbivore.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

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I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

My grandma always said slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a house fire.

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

My grandma always asks me when I will stop saying "nice" everytime she enters my room

I just tell her
"I'll stop when you turn 70 next year"

My grandma called me yesterday

I guess you can say my boomerang

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

My grandma once said to me...

"Come here Sonny"

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Just get over here."

"I went over to her and she said,"Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I gave it to you."

I told her,"Its going to cost you more than that."

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The last joke my grandma told me

Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself bu...

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

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My Grandma told me today that men were much more charming when she was young...

I told Grandma that that was because they aren't trying to fuck her anymore.

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

My grandma said that we people are too much reliant on technology.

I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.

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My grandma just sent me this joke...

A man and his wife were about to go out for a party. The wife says to her husband "I can't find my keys."

"It's in your jeans, love." He replied

"Don't you bring my family into this, you bastard."

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I’m worried my grandma has Alzheimer’s

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
 
It’s either that or she’s thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

My grandma made me my favorite dessert, strudel.

Unfortunately I couldn't eat it since it was stollen.

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My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein..

What a stroke of genius.

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I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

Apparently my grandma slept with a lot of men to get where she got

President of her senior citizen's club

My Grandma thought moving into house boat on an African river would solve all her money problems.

She's living in denial.

A joke my grandma told me at our last family reunion.

Liz and Mary are working hard at their desks. Liz stands up and invites Mary to go outside for a cigarette. They go outside only to find it's pouring rain so badly it would be impossible to smoke. However, Mary pulls a condom out of her purse and puts it around her cigarette and proceeds to smoke...

Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard...

...after that he went downhill fast

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

My grandma died because the report said she had a type-A blood

Unfortunatly it was a type-O

Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandma nice birthday gifts.

My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively. I couldn't afford anything other than a talking parrot. However, this could've worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandmo...

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Entertainment night and my grandmas nursing home.

A couple days ago at my grandmas nursing home they had entertainment night and decided to bring out a hypnotist. He takes out is gold watch and starts to sway in back and forth "watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." Sure enough all the seniors snap into that trans like state. All of a ...

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

My grandma died 6 days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

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a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

My grandma is 80% Irish.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

My grandma has the heart of a lion ....

My grandma told me this one

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

My grandma started sharing her recipes on TikTok

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

My grandma flaps her legs during her seizures

My girlfriend and my grandma have the same name

My grandma died on Christmas…

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

My grandma told me this one.

Memories of my grandma

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I told my dad I want to marry my grandma.

“I used to make sandcastles with my grandma”

I’ll never forget my Grandma’s final words :

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

Shoutout to my grandma

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

My grandma hates her new stairlift...

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

My Grandma's favorite saying

I told my Grandma to act her age

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I'd like to tell you a joke my grandma told me about telling jokes

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

I unplugged my grandma's life support

My grandma was quite the athlete

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

A Joke My Grandma Told Me

So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

My grandma Edna had to get a job...

My Grandma tried to not show favourites

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to!

My grandma always said...

My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

I've just found out that my grandma was on the Titanic...

My grandma is 80 years old, and still doesn't need glasses...

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

My grandma's advice

What's the difference between my phone and my grandma?

I put my grandma on speed dial.

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

I hadn't seen my grandma for a long time, she looked so different from the last time I'd seen her. She told me that she had become a vegan for a few months now.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

I once saw my grandma get mugged

Teacher to Student T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"