UPJOKE

My Grandfather Jokes

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandfather said...

That my generation relies way too much on modern technology, so I decided to unplug is life support.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the stomach of a bear...

... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

My grandfather always said "when one door closes, another one opens."

Great man really, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

As my Grandfather always said....

the day I can't come into to work drunk, is the day I hand in my gun and badge.

My grandfather was an African drug dealer...

He used to work in the 1970s in Johannesburg as a pharmacist.

I was really heartbroken at my grandfather’s passing yesterday.

He can’t seem to throw the football as hard as he once did.

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I ...

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

My grandfather went to war in a dogsled.

Sadly he was sleighn.

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

My grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.

It kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.

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"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

My Grandfather

told me that as soon as he saw the Titanic, he immediately declared that this ship would sink. But no one listened to him. He tried to warn people, even shouted, but it was all in vain – he was kicked out of the cinema.

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all of his assets were Frozen.

Why he bought so many DVDs of the movie—no one knows.

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player

He only ever lost once

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

I visited my grandfather in hospital……

he didn’t look well and had gone downhill from last time I saw him. He told me that he is now incontinent.
I said I know grandad, you are in Australia!

My Grandfather went down in history…

He also allegedly got a handjob in geography.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

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My grandfather got badly burnt the other day

They don’t fuck around at the crematorium.

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

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An oldie from my grandfather.

The night was dark.
The sky was blue.
And, down the ally the shitwagon flew.
A bump was hit.
A scream was heard.
A man was killed by a flying turd.

Conversation between my grandfather and me.

Grandad: Jack, you're too attached to technology.
Me: No YOU'RE Too attached to technology! *unplugs life support*

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

My Grandfather died in Auschwitz

Poor guy fell out of the guard tower

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

My grandfather was shot with a Canon

The picture came out really well.

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

I was stunned to find out that my grandfather was involved in human trafficking.

He used to volunteer as a crossing guard.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

My grandfather gave me the Luger pistol he took from a German soldier he shot

I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.

When my grandfather first came to this country, he had nothing but a shirt on his back.

When the immigration people finally caught up to him, they made him put on pants too.

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

My Grandfather was the cheapest guy in the world.

As he was dying in my arms he said "Boy...I can see the light....turn it off.."

Joke My Grandfather told me today

So a Mans Wife would lock him out of the house every night when he came home drunk, and she would always smell his breath through the key hole. After a couple of bad days at work the man decides to revisit the bar thinking he can fool his wife so after he gets done drinking he stops by the local sup...

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

My grandfather was so cheap.

When he died, he walked towards the light - and turned it off..

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket...

"Tom, I'm tired of you leaving this empty bucket around!"

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain.

But then again, he was in the SS.

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

My grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket.

He said

"Watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

My Grandfather

My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW 2.


*He fell of the Watch Tower.*

My grandfather escaped

to America in search of freedom. It didn't last long 6 though. Grandma arrived on the next boat.

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

My grandfather hated people with deformed feet

He was lack toes intolerant.

What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

My grandfather lived and died for this joke.

My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.


When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but beca...

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I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away after suffering from a short illness.

He had Dwarfism

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