UPJOKE

My Friends Call Me Jokes

My friends call me the enchanted piano

Because I play with myself alone at night

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Friends Call Me A Pedophile

Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.

My friends call me the exorcist...

Because after I leave there are no spirits left in the house

My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

My friends call me Peter Pan

Because my jokes never land.

My friends call me Captain Obvious

It's because I state the obvious.

My name is Frank Ulman; my friends call me F.U.

I guess that makes me F.U. the first; so if I have a son, he will be F.U.2

My friends call me 'Curiosity'

Not because I'm always seeking knowledge, but because I kill cats.

My name's Stanley, but my friends call me Stan...

So no one calls me Stan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A psychopath breaks into a house

In bedroom, he finds a husband and wife sleeping. He grabs his knife, wakes them up and gets the knife close to wife's neck.

"What is your name", he asks her.

"Anna", she replies while shaking with fear.

"That was my mother's name", says the psychopath, "I will not kill you then...

A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom

The thief points a gun at the couple.

"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."

The woman says "Stephanie."

"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."

He...

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

During an airplane hijacking

Terrorist: "Everyone be quiet or I'll kill you! You there, what's your name?"


She: "My name is Susan."


Terrorist: "Susan, you stay alive. My mother's name is Susan, too. And you there? What's your name?"


Him: "My name is Peter, but my friends call me Susan."

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