UPJOKE

My Friend Jokes

My friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties

He was so mad, maybe because she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral pretty uncomfortable.

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends were very supportive when I told them about my addiction to masturbation.

They said I would beat it.

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

I stopped arguing with my friend when he pulled a knife on me

That was when I realized he had a point.

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tripped over my friends bra...

..she is always setting booby traps!

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt

He's high on my list of priorities

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend started a tattoo parlor that only accepts payment in the form of flashing.

They named it tit for tat.

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

My friend died doing what he loved most...

Heroin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex when I got a phone call from my friend saying there was an emergency

I told him I was coming as fast as I could

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

I said to my friend: "I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad..."

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"


I said "no, he also wished he was..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.


Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The fir...

My friend is convinced there's no way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first.

He's a real eggnostic, that one.

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.