UPJOKE

My First Jokes

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

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I’ve just arrived at my first premature ejaculation support class!

Had no idea what to wear, so I’ve come in my shorts.

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I watched my first porn today

But damn I was so young back then

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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On my first day of flying lessons, I looked down anxiously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

My first wife, I’ll never forget her…

and I’ve tried.

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect it to be in my Big Mac

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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

"My first appointment with a new dentist!!"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
<...

I had my first threesome last night.

There were two no shows but I still had a good time.

My first wife used to mow the lawn naked.

My neighbors always knew I married her for her money.

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My first time having sex was like a 100m sprint..

There were 8 black guys and a gun.

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

I wore my kilt for my first meeting with my psychiatrist

She told me I was mentally ill just moments after I sat down.

She said ‘I can clearly see your nuts’

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

My first day at x-men HQ

Professor X: What's your super power

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes, i see that now

I just had my first prostate examination

Worst dentist ever.

My first time. [SFW]

The sky was dark, the moon was high. All alone just she and I. Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine. I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how, but I tried my best I placed my hand upon her breast. I remember my fear, m...

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My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I went to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night.

They gave me 3 to 1 odds.

I took it.

As a hispanic, my first tattoo was the word “Mucho”

It means a lot to me.

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Almost got my first blowjob today.

Tomorrow,I'm going to stretch even farther while doing sit-ups.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

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My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??

It fro's up.

Met my first Mandalorian today

He was a Wisconsin dairy farmer, took me on a tour of a Mando dairy. First, he showed me the snack curd-making facility, then pointed and said,

“This is the whey.”

My first dad joke.

Nurse: so, this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.

Me: ohhh so nip balm?


Girlfriend: please ignore him.


Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

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My first post here

A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was.

The shop keeper replied, "About 20 years old".

Th...

On my first day as the new Hangman at the prison I ask them to “show me the ropes.”

No one at the prison thought it was funny either.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

...

I just published my first book on Poltergeists....

Copies were flying off the shelves.....

My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*

Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.

Instructor: Can you please stop licking my lips.

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my first marriage didn't work out because my wife was too messy

Every time I went to piss in the sink she had dishes in it.

I found my first grey pube today...

Usually I wouldn't mind, but it was in my greggs pasty.

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I just saw my first porno...

And damn I looked good back then.

Came up with my first joke

What do you call a white supremacist that can’t see? A not see

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Anal sex is a lot like my first car...

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

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My first military parachute jump

I’m deathly afraid of heights, My best friend and I were scheduled for our first jump. As we rose to 6000 ft.my nerves got the best of me and I slowly moved to the back of the line of ten other Airmen waiting to jump. I watched in horror as my buddy took his leap of faith along with the rest of the ...

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson.

I said no.

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

Dated my first girlfriend today!

Her father beat me and took away my branding irons.

To had to go for my first prostate exam today.

To had to go for my first prostate exam today. Doctor came in and said, "hello, I'm doctor Williams. Please drop your pants. Now Chris, don't get an erection."
I said " my name is not Chris"
He said," I know, Chris is my name".

Went to my first rave last night. It was wild.

These kids act like they've never seen a CPAP machine.

I experienced my first mugging last night...

I got a little banged up, but at least I now have some beer money!

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