UPJOKE

My Daughter Jokes

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

Joke from my daughter

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player

There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.

So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm

She's doing better currently .

And conducting herself properly

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

My daughter lost her first tooth today

I bet she won't touch my X- box again !

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe ...

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

I heard my daughter say her first words to me today...

"where have you been in the last 20 years?"

My daughters favorite joke...

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

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My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess...

so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French.

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

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My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

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“You took my daughter’s virginity!”

“I’m sorry Sir, it won’t happen again!”

I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

My daughter really wants a dog this Christmas

I am open for new ideas but we normally eat turkey.

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.

My daughter's teacher called me

She said,
"We are considering to move your daughter to a special class, as her homeworks could not meet the standard for more than a month already."

I was so angry.

"No way, I did the homework for her."

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I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

I think my daughter is dating a female spy

Its seems like a very advanced form of Lesbionage

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

My daughter works at a gymnastic studio that is so accommodating

They bend over backwards

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

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My daughter was complaining about her boyfriend’s penis

So I told her to learn to appreciate the little things in life

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?

-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

Every year I get my daughter a bouncy castle for her birthday party.

This year I notices that the prices had almost doubled from this time last year.

I asked the guy behind the counter why the sudden price rise.

He told me “that’s just the price of inflation unfortunately”

I suspect my daughter might enjoy alphabet pasta...

but I don't want to put words in her mouth.

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

You look just like my daughter

Walking through a supermarket, a young woman noticed an old lady following her around. She ignored her for a while, but when she got to the checkout line, she got in front of her.

“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like my daughter who died recently. ...

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

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My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the s...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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My daughter saw me eating prosciutto

True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."

I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"

"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

I got a puppy for my daughter...

Good swap if you ask me.

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My daughter came up with this original joke.

Why did the candy man try to be a klutz?

So he could have more Butterfingers!

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.

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My daughter just got a job at mcdonalds

So my daughter got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today.

She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before.

Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you...

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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

I sat my daughter down and told her she was my least favourite child...

...she laughed and said

"Of course I am, but I'm your only child!"

I replied

"No, you don't understand, I mean globally"

My daughter

came home from school and told me she had learned about the number infinity today,

she asked how long would it really take to count to infinity daddy?

me; well a really, really long time.

Her; It would take a lot less time if you just counted by ten.

My kindergarten daughter asked me a question,

so I answered her back In confidence with the correct answer. She asked me “how I knew that”, so I answered her that “I knew everything.” This infuriated my daughter and she told me there were people out there that knew more than me. I was shocked and told her “I didn’t know anyone smarter than m...

My Daughter In Law

She’s a manager at a post office. I threw her a party for getting promoted in a mail dominated industry.

My daughter came home from her first day at school and announced that she "learned how to make babies"

You drop the "y" and add "ies".

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

Joke from my daughter.

What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato?
HULK'S MASH!

no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle

While my daughter was still in the womb,

I realized that she was mid-wife.

A joke my daughter just came up with.

What do they serve at a muder mystery dinner?

J'Accuse Cous.

I thought it was original and funny enough to share!

I asked my daughter why Harry Styles left his band to go solo.

She said he wanted to go a different direction.

My daughter made this one up

Why is my hair cost money? Because I just brushed it so it’s knot free!!

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

My daughter just made this one up… What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

My daughter walked up to her mother and asked

"Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, my other daughter walked up and asked, "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana."

"Because your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, my son walked ...

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My daughter's boyfriend came round.

"Don't even think about having sex with her," I told him, while she was in the toilet.

"OK, sir. I understand," he panicked.

"Good," I replied, "I wouldn't want you to be as disappointed as I was."

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

He's the guy who took peaking into windows to a whole new level.

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I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.

To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.

Called my daughter up and explained I've changed my name to spinal column. She replied that she was very busy and would...

...have to call me back.

My daughter ran off with some Hispanic guy...

She says he's her Juan and only...

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

My daughter said she's struggling with a mean girl at school

I advised her to tell her that she's average.

my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted

So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.

My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries

Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary

Another funny joke from my daughter!

Why did the phone need glasses?

Because it lost all of its contacts!

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

I have two kids and a dog. My dog is nine, my daughter is five, and my son is two.

I have no idea how old they are, that’s just how I rank them.

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

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My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

My daughter made this tonight: What's the favourite song of sloths?

Don't Hurry, Be Happy

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

I recently taught my daughter the definition of bargain

She said “thanks dad that means a great deal”

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day.

Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

I asked my daughter what day she wanted to get a pedicure.

She said “there’s no day like toe-day!”

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My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room

Shortly after I heard "Baby baby oh! And I rushed towards the room. Thank god I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.

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