UPJOKE

My Daddy Jokes

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

"Are you my daddy?"

A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby.

The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth.

The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, ...

My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage:

the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride.

We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, "Daddy! We're so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants."

Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, "Those are ants my dear, we hav...

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

An ISIS member's son once said: "My daddy was a suicide bomber..."

"...I wanna be just like him when I blow up."

How fast is your Father ?

Three little boys were sitting around bragging about how fast their fathers were.

The first little boy said “My Daddy drives race cars, and goes over 200 miles an hour !”

The second little boy said “That’s nothin’. My Daddy flies jet airplanes faster than the speed of sound !”

T...

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2 Southern belles

Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda,

when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.

The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.

They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first...

A husband and wife were having dinner on their 20th anniversary

The husband set down his fork and said "I was just thinking about how we got engaged. You remember?"

His wife said "Of course! My daddy caught us in my room together when we were eighteen! He said you'd better marry me or he'd send you to jail for twenty years!"

And the husband sighed...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

A Polar bear walks into a bar….

Sets down at the bar and orders a Gin……. AND tonic…. The Bartender then asks the Polar bear what’s the the pause??? The Polar bear looks down confused and says “I don’t know, my Daddy gave them to me…”

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...

Three guys are flying in a plane, and it starts to go down.

They all run to the door. The first guy fires 3 arrows, the second 3 bullets, and the third 3 missiles. Then they jump and parachute down into the jungle below.

Upon landing, they decide to walk their way out. They come to a clearing, where a little girl sits on a rock, crying. The first guy...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

The new teacher is asking kids about their parents.

Teacher says "Suzie what does your daddy do?"

Suzie says "My daddy drives a truck."

Teacher says "Mikey what does your daddy do?"

Mikey says "My daddy is an accountant."

Teacher says "Joey what does your daddy do?"

Joey says "My daddy is a police officer."

T...

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Hone...

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Little Johnny.

A teacher walks into her classroom to greet her first grade students.

"Good morning, class." the teacher said, smiling and observing her students.Before going to the chalkboard to begin the day, she notices little Johnny in the back of the classroom, wriggling around and desperately trying to...

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