UPJOKE

My Dad Told Me Jokes

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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My dad told me this one.

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc, I think I have a tapeworm"

The doctor looks at him and says

"Well, we're all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat"...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind.

I said dad, I'm over here

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

My dad told me this one

Did you hear about the mean cactus? He was a real prick

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

my dad told me this one

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table , then a chair

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

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This is something my dad told me.

A man was going to meet his girlfriend’s dad, when they started eating dinner his stomach started to hurt and he let a little fart out, no one noticed so he was like “neat” then he let a little more out, then the dad shouted “Rover!”, the man snickered and thought “they think it’s the dog farting” s...

My dad told me I should join the Russian Navy

Because we're both a waste of Seamen

My dad told me this joke and wanted to share it

One of my dad's teachers when he went to school, came each day with a bicycle and he was always on time.

But one day the teacher was a bit late. But when my dad saw him running into the school with his bicycle by his side he asked;"Why are you dragging your bicycle beside you"

And t...

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The best joke my dad told me.

What has 75 balls and always screws old ladies?

BINGO!!

Here’s a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy?

A mistake



- I don’t know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.

My dad told me joke today

A man and a woman are in bed, talking about their dreams.

the woman says, "I had a dream last night, I was at Walmart."

the man says, "I also had a dream. I was jn bed with three women."

The woman asks, "was I one of the three women?"

The man replies, "no, you were at Wal...

My dad told me he doesn’t like banana bread.

Said it doesn’t a-peel to him.

This is a joke my dad told me a few days ago...

A mother calls her son because she is having problems with her car. He comes over and asks what the problem is.

M: I don't know why, but everytime I go to get groceries, by the time I get to the store there is this horrible smell in the car.

S: Well let's drive to the store and let's s...

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A joke my dad told me

So one day a man gets into a bad car crash and wakes up a week later in the hospital. The doctor says “I have some good news and some bad news, bad news is you lost your penis in the crash, the good news is there is an African doctor who can replace it with an elephant trunk, and seeing your situati...

My dad told me that 97% of all men mastubate...

The other 3% have no hands.

My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry

What did the Chimney say to his son?





You are too young to smoke

My dad told me this once

Dad: You see, The 'f' in orphan stands for 'family'.
Me: Wait there is no...

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A joke my dad told me

A man visits a doctor and says, “Doctor, I think i have a problem.”

“Well, let’s hear it” The doctor says

M: “Every time i see a group of men i think they’re gay.”

D: “Ok, let’s test it, I’ll show you some pictures and you tell me what you think”

*The doctor shows him a p...

A joke my dad told me. With my twist.

A Jewish circumcision doctor once had a jar full of the skin he had circumcised over the last few hours. He went to a new leatherworker he had heard about that could use the leftover skin. So the Jewish doctor thought he would try and reuse, reduce, and recycle.

The doctor met with the leathe...

My dad told me it was 69° outside...

I told him it was a nice temperature.

A joke my dad told me

A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

My dad told me this one

What do you call a Spanish soldier lying in a field?

Gracias

*And his own addition he’s very proud of:*

What do you call 50 Spanish soldiers lying in a field?

Muchos gracias

My dad told me to walk the plank,

I then said to him,"Can't we just get a dog."

A joke my dad told me awhile ago

How do you get a squirrel out of a tree?

Pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

My dad told me this one.

He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.

"Hello?"

...

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A joke my dad told me when I was little

Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest w...

Super cheesy joke my dad told me over the holiday

Three ropes walk into a bar.
The first rope walks up to the bar and orders three drinks. The bartender gruffly says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
Walking back to his friends, the rope relays the news. The second rope says, "Let me give it a try."
Upon reaching the bar he's also quickly...

My dad told me this joke today:

Son: Daddy, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
Dad: No, son

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Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

My dad told me this one so i thought i might share

In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.

He finds him, and asks:

– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"

He pauses for a second, looks a...

Here’s one my dad told me: What do you call two lawyers buried to their neck in cement?

Not enough cement.

My Dad told me this one ( he is ex navy)

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

My dad told me to stop making tree puns.

But he's not the balsa me.

My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical diety approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of the jungle. He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the b...

My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

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A joke my Dad told me...

A man is at the bar, he's been drinking all night and he gets sick and throws up all over his shirt.

He says to the bartender, "oh man, my wife's gonna kill me!"

The bartender says, "Here's what you do, take a $10 put it in your pocket and say some other guy threw up on you and gave y...

My dad told me to get an organ donor card...

He’s a man after my own heart!

My dad told me that I was adopted.

I didn't believe him. After all, I had so many things in common with him and with my mom. It couldn't be true.

Then he told me that it most certainly was true and to pack my bags, as my new family would be arriving in an hour.

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My dad told me he was a necrophiliac. I thought he was joking....

but, he was dead-fucking serious.

My dad told me i act like a disabled person today.

I told him how much of an insult it was. Why would a disabled person want to be like me?

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u/Jayhawk_Dunk reminded me a joke my dad told me

John Shit told his dad he wasn't happy about his name and he wanted to change it. His dad didn't accept it right away but well, he was 22 after all, he was an adult. If he wanted, he could not not disagree.

That day he went to the place to change his name.

*Good afternoon sir, what di...

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My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

My dad told me

about a town that had a lot of car wrecks and their population was dwindling quickly.

The people had an issue with pulling out too early.

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A Joke My Dad Told Me In The Car

“God, it’s just so hard for me because you’re getting older and spending more time with your friends. I feel like eventually you’ll cut me out.”

“Dude, I will never fucking cut you out.”

“why did you take me out of the collage then?!”

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly.

WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.

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An old bosnian joke my dad told me.

Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist
as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful
the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of ...

My Dad told me "always fight fire with fire"...

And that's why he's no longer a fireman.

My dad told me growing up to never joke about small people

Because they are always below the belt

My dad told me Santa wasn't real when I was 10

Jokes on him. Guess who I just saw at the mall.

Two old jokes my dad told me

These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.
___________________
Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane.

Fortunately, there was a haystack below him.

Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.

Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.

Un...

My dad told me there are no monstrous figures who are good at math...

Unless you Count Dracula.

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Terrible jokes my Dad told me as a kid

Joke 1: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? The peanut butter has footprints

Joke 2: How do you know if an elephant is in your cherry tree? Elephants have blue eyes

I don't know if this has anything to do with how awful the jokes are, but my Dad immigrated fro...

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My Dad told me this one today

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."


My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious

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Another dumb joke my dad told me, it's probably old af but I find it funny so here it is

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter is waiting for him. The man is shocked, as he had never believed in God.
He says to Saint Peter "Listen dude, I've made a terrible mistake by not believing in God. But ya see, I've been a real good person and have supported many r...

I will always remember what my Dad told me before he kicked the bucket

He said "Hey. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it.

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because there's cum all over it."

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

My dad told me he put a draw bridge at our house.

Turns out, he installed the garage door upside down.

My dad told me he loved me so much, he would adopt me a second time.

1.5 rounds to 2, right?

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

Boy : My dad told me you are spying on us ?

Mark Zuckerberg : He is not your Dad.

Before my tenth birthday, my dad told me I was adpoted

I said, "wow really?"

He responded, "Yup pack your stuff they will be here in about twenty minutes"

My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.

This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, ...

I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

My dad told me this one today. What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

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My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away

Sounds far fetched

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