UPJOKE

My Brother Jokes

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Grandad, why does my brother Robert live with you?

Well you see grandson, when you were a baby, your uncle Peter moved out and it was the first time in a long time that granny and I were all alone, we had some drinks, put on some music and Bob's your uncle.

A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my brother masturbating

He yelled "Close the damn door, and stop playing with yourself!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

My brother made this one!

What’s a snake’s favourite subject at school?
Hisssss-tory!

Although some do enjoy maths too… especially the adding!

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

My brother was bragging about being a baker...

But it didn't bother me at all.

I don't have anything to prove.

I will avenge the death of my brother! Who is with me?

Warrior: You have my axe!

Hunter: And my bow!

Necromancer: And your brother!

My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

My brother was recently involved in a chainsaw accident.

Now, my only remaining family is my two half brothers.

My brother just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother fell in dog crap, deer crap, cat crap, elephant crap and horse crap

He's been through a lot of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

My brother has a government job

He gets 42 cents per hour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”<...

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

"I will avenge my brother!"

Archer: "You have my bow"

Warrior: "And my blade"

Necromancer: "And your brother"

(Possibly a repost, can't remember where I heard this one)

Me: "When we were little, my brothers and I used to play Russian roulette." Friend: "You don't have any brothers."

Me: "Right."

My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

My brother recently seen an ad on kijiji for a 42" TV.

Boy was he shocked when a crossdressing little person showed up at his door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

I live in a two-story apartment I own. My brother calls it my love glove.

Because that's a condom idiom.

I asked my brother in North Korea how things were over there

He said, “I can’t complain”

Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!

Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!

This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

Why did my brother eat his homework?

Because my mother told him it was a piece of cake.

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

Driving like my brother

Two guys are driving. Well, actually, only one is driving, the other is riding. Anyway, they're driving along, and they come to a red light. The driver blows right through it! The passenger says "What the hell, man?! That was a red light!" The driver waves him off, saying, "My brother drives like th...

My brother doesn't like brown rice

He's a rice-ist

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party.

That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

My Brother is a mortician….

But he’s thinking of changing careers because it’s a dying business.

My father just disowned me and my brother after we got hired as valets…

I guess we can understand him, no man alive wants to have Parking-sons

My brother Joe started the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

My brother told me to stop quoting The Village People

I said 'Young man.'

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother asked me if I'd ever have sex with a woman in high heels.

"Probably not," I said, "because my balance isn't very good."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My older brother told me “gay meant happy”

I still don’t understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, “my brother makes me gay.”

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother called my hat gay

Well yeah, it spends almost all day on top of a guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was assigned to a mission

A bartender sees a guest coming to his bar every Saturday night to have two drinks while mumbling "cheers my brother" after which he always leaves.

After several weeks go by, the bartender asks him what is it all about?

Guest: My brother was assigned to an overseas mission and before h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

My brother prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me...

But toucan play at that game

I had to take my brother to the hospital after a hornet landed on his face and it swelled up massively.

It didn't sting him, or anything. I was just a little too late with the shovel...

My brother and I took an Irish lady on a date.

Everything went perfectly until she tried to make us feel insecure about our weight. At the end of the night she said, "I had a great time, tanks."

My brother is illiterate

It was his 16th birthday party this past weekend, and boy was it awkward. He just couldn't read the room.

My brother thinks I don't give him enough privacy.

That's what he wrote about me in his diary.

My brother asked me which super power I'd like

Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

Sister: Did my brother come from heaven?

Mother: Yes.

Sister: Well, I don't blame the angels for chucking him out

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this from my brother....

Back story: We are both firefighters and brother is EMT.

Me: “Ah shoot, I hit my elbow, gosh it hurts.”

Brother: “I have some Tryactin in my truck.”

Me: “Do you think it will help?”

Brother: “Let’s see, (pauses)....”

Me: “Well...?”

Brother: “Try actin’ like ...

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

My brother is in the hospital guys, doctors aren't giving much hope.

Doctors say that he's incapable to stand for the next 8 months, he's extremely weak now. I can barely bear the noises, he's crying so much I feel very bad for him going through this. Anyway, on a positive note, I'm a big brother now!

A joke from my brother:

A boy was playing Rocket League and was partnered with a player called Osama_king2014. The partner was not very good at the game. He was so bad, he caused the boy to leave in frustration.
The boy’s younger brother, who was watching, the said: Y’know, for a guy named Osama, he’s not very good at s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has Tourrete's and it makes it very hard for him to find a job.

I feel so guilty because I'm the one who told him the worst word he could say was "fuck."

If I told him "hotdogs" was the worst he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

My brother told me to make a bucket list so i did

Bucket List :

1. Plastic Bucket
2. Metal Bucket
3. Mop Bucket

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

So my brother got an exorcism

Went fine until he fell arrears on the payments and got repossessed

My brother doesn’t like changes.

He has gone to a prom with a high-school senior girl already for a decade.

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

My brother is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store...

because he couldn't remember the prices

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my brother is actually my step brother

Apparently everyone I played call of duty with fucked my mom

Today, my brother told me he'd hire a hitman to kill me.

As sad as it is, at least now I've got one person who cares about whether I'm alive.

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,...

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother brought home his Japanese girlfriend.

He must have had a ton of visitors that night, because his girlfriend wouldn’t stop saying hi.

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother-in-law and I were fishing

Not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman ...

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

My Brother in law had a chat with a game warden once.

My brother in law was stopped by the game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water; leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my ...

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."

"Thanks dad."

"Sure thing Alan."

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

My brother just started taking a Klingon literature course

He says it has its prose and Khans

I'm really worried about my brother's kleptomania condition.

I wish he'd take something for it.

"Mom, I don't like my brother anymore"

"Shut up and keep eating what I put on the table"

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

My brother works in the garage door business

I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.

He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.

Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.

I hope you found these puns to b...

I asked my brother a question, but his answer didn’t really hold water.

So instead I asked my cistern.

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

My brother said he can't date someone without feet.

I guess he is lack-toes-intolerant.

So my brother made a dad joke

I put my pants in the washing machine and forgot to take my headphones out of my pocket. After they were done washing my brother realized what I did, he asked me

"Is the sound cleaner now?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.