UPJOKE

My Brain Jokes

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

I went to the doctor about my brain tumour

... he told me it was all in my head

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

My brain is like an F-22 Raptor

Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.

I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar..

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers.

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Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

my brain is like an overclocked cpu

it runs 2000 fps for a couple seconds then melts

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

My brain is like a library of film facts that I barely even remember

IMDumB

My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

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A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath."Mom", he asked, "are these my brain?"

"Not yet", she replied.

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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

My brain made a vote today

Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder.

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Doctor! Doctor! My brains look like my testicles!

I’m sorry, son. It’s a serious case of cerebral ballsy.

I wanted to be with someone who would like me for my brains.

So I started dating a zombie.

is my brain in your mouth?

because... you just blew my mind.

I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain...

But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself.

Donated my brain to a stranger in the hospital last week.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

I used to think my brain was the most important part of my body

Then I thought, look who's telling me that.

My girlfriend told me she loves my brain

I told her "Hey, my eyes are down here".

I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be

But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October

My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle

Information goes in, but is often never found again

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

My heart says we are meant for eachother



*My brain asks, are we really?*



Zoo employee: "Sir! Stay where you are and let go of the penguin!"

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

The meaning of the word “oops” is actually highly dependent on context

I learned that when I heard my barber say it and then my brain surgeon later that day

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A husband and wife are celebrating their 20th anniversary.......

The wife is naked in front of her husband and says " The first time you saw me naked you said you wanted to suck my tits dry and fuck my brains out. What do you think now?"

The husband looks at his wife and says "I think I did a pretty good job".

Elon Musk, The smartest man in the world

was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. "The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two." With that th...

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A man saw a sign in a yard that said "Talking dog for sale $10"

He laughs and says "Yeah right, I gotta check this out". He knocks on the door and an old man answers. The guy says "I saw the sign for the talking dog for sale". Old man says "Yep, he's out back". They walk around to the back and the old man leads the guy to the fenced in area where the dog is slee...

A rlly funny incident I remember from class many moons ago

So basically, back in 7th grade, my teacher wrote "brain" as one of the supplies to bring to class everyday. Cuz of course - it makes sense to use it in class, right? A few teachers actually do this, as I've heard.

Anyways, in class (like in many classes), we had this one "troublemaker" dude...

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