Snow isn’t a problem in Muslim countries...

But ISIS

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

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What's the difference between an American and a Muslim teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

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Muslim, Jewish and Christian man

A Christian, a Muslim and a jew are sitting in an apartment chatting. They then decide they want to make tea. The Christian and The Muslim are arguing over who should make it. After a while of going back and forth they look over to the Jew and say:

‘Hey, why doesn’t he brew’

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A Muslim, a Mexican, and a Redneck are sitting in a bar

The Mexican finishes his drink, throws his glass up in the air and shoots it. He then looks at the bartender and says "glass is so cheap in my country you don't have to drink from them twice."

The Muslim, impressed throws his glass into the air, pulls out an AK-47 and lays in to the glass sha...

What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak ?

They stay in Quran-tine

Marvel have a Muslim superhero?

I thought suicide squad was a DC thing.

Where do Russian Muslims go to prayer?

Mosque O

A muslim, a christian, and a buddhist compete to see who has the most powerful God by jumping off a 100 story building. Whoever survives the fall, wins.

The christian comes first. He jumps off the building and says: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until he falls to the ground and dies.


Next up, the buddhist. He jumps off the building and says: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Budda..." until he reaches an inch off the ground and floats away saf...

Why didn't the Muslim youth get the coronavirus?

Because he was a Quran Teen.

A Christian, Hindu, Muslim had a fight on the plane.

They had a fight about whose religion is most powerful.

It was decided they would all try to make other passengers stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand 'UP' is the winner. There were 40 passengers on board.

Christian said: "Bless us, Jesus Ch...

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

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Why be a Muslim and die to get 72 virgins...

when you can be a Catholic priest and get 72 virgins now while you're alive.

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

Christian, muslim and buddhist are goingto jump from a 100 story building to see which religion is the best.

The muslim jumps first and while falling he starts repeating: "praised be Allah", gets to the 30th floor while still repeating the same and then he proceeds to splat on the ground.

The buddhist goes second and jumps and starts repeating:"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he gets to the 60th floor and h...

I hate it when people stereotype. Just because I'm wearing a turban and have a beard doesn't make me Muslim...

...Makes me Sikh!

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

What does a Muslim say when they stub their toe?

Shiite

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Why do we see a lot of puns on Muslims here on r/jokes?

It's more likely to blow up.

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

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What does a Muslim person say when they're asking someone to be their sex friend?

Will you be my haram bae?

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot..

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

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A catholic, jew and a muslim are talking.

The catholic says: "Hmmm, I wonder what'll happen in 2030..."

The muslim follows with: "Dude, why are you going so far into the future? It's still like 700 years till 2030..."

The jew finishes with: "...Guys? What are you talking about? 2030 was like, I dunno, 3000 years ago?"

How do muslims close doors?

They islam it.

A Muslim walks into a bar...

Allahu Akbar.

What's the difference between an ISIS base and a Muslim school?

I don't know I just fly the drone

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A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

So Hulk became a Muslim...

He changes his catchphrase from 'Hulk Smash!' to 'I Slam!'

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A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...

... but the bar is closed, and they all get fined for breaking lockdown rules.

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A Jew and a Muslim walk into the White House...

hopefully on January 20, 2021.

I met a Muslim girl earlier today

She wasn't a perfect 10 but shiite

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar

And had a wonderful time together sharing drinks, paid their tab, and left. It was quite pleasant.

Where do Muslims shop?

Halaldi

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[NSFW] Muslim girls don't give blowjobs

They give Hijabs

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

Why are Muslims always angry

Because they have a short fuse

What's the difference between Muslims and rednecks from Alabama?

The rednecks are drunk when marrying their cousins.

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

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A muslim and an atheist walk into a pagan afterlife.

They both look at each other and say, "Well shit."

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common?

They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

What do you call 2000 lbs of Muslims?

A Shiite ton.

What's a Muslims favorite answer on a multiple choice exam?

D) Allah the above

What do you call a fit Muslim man?

Moe Slim!

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The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts ...

What did the Muslim say when we got scared?

I’m sheikh-ing

^(I’m sorry)

What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

Not every Muslim is a terrorist...

Only 9 / 11 are.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem?

Amaff Maheed.

(Said in a Scottish Accent)

A Christian and a Muslim have a conversation

The Muslim tells the Christian that he has to stop wherever they are to pray at a certain time

The Christian, surprised by this says “oh my god”

Then the Muslim replies, “no. MY god”

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

Why did the former leader of Cuba only sleep with Muslim men?

He liked hearing them say "In Fidel! In Fidel!"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

How does a Muslim influencer wish for sponsored posts?

Installah

A Jew, a Muslim and a Trump supporter walk into a bar

Drink, talk, laugh and have a good time.
That’s what happens when you are not a moron

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

Wolverine cannot become a muslim.

It grows back!

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

Muslim jokes

What happens when a Muslim gets mad



Islam’s the door

What's the most popular music at Muslim coming out parties?

Hard Rock.

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Why do Muslims, black people, Mexicans, and anti-vaxxers like chocolate?

Because everyone likes chocolate, and why would someone’s religion, race, nationality, or the fact that they’re an uneducated moron change that?

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

What does the Muslims play during the Ramadan?

The Hunger Games

How did the half Jew, half Muslim save money?

He supported ISIS, but wrote it off as a charitable donation.

Why is Blizzard still popular in majority Muslim countries?

Because all they care about is prophets.

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Why are Muslims so good at dating?

Because they always go out with a bang!

Where do Muslims in the Caribbean go to pray?

Jamecca!

What do you call a Muslim magician?

Allah Kazam.

Trump wants to ban Muslims, but if we learned ANYTHING from prohibition...

 

 

...it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

How does a robotic Muslim pray?

Towards Mecha.

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

What do muslims say when their sister pokes them in the eye?

Eye-sis

What did the muslim Sonic say after Ramadan ended?

"Finally I don't need to go fast"

What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

EDIT: This blew up.

Source: Am Muslim guy.

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

What's the difference between an American soldier and a Muslim?

Conservatives spend a lot of money getting the Muslims out of the streets.

Did you know that in malaria ridden areas, muslims are not required to remove shoes when entering their praying buildings?

Mosque-y toe control is essential.

A muslim enters a building...

With 500 passengers and a plane.

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

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A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

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