UPJOKE

Most Important Jokes

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The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

What’s the most important quality for a worker at Bausch and Lomb?

Good Eye contact

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

What's the most important class at Hogwarts?

Spelling

money isnt the most important thing in the world

A lot of money is

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What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

I thought, "What organ in the body is the most important?"

The immediate answer was, "The brain". That makes sense....................

Wait a minute, what organ in the body is telling me that?!

Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

What is the most important part of an automobile?

The nut that holds the wheel.

What's the most important thing when googling Gary Oldman images?

- The 'r'...

What's the most important personality trait for a mathematician?

Accountability.

Which of Santa's reindeer is the most important this year?

Vaxen

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

Gravity is the most important topic of physics.

If you remove it, you only have gravy.

What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

Most important mom rule

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

Top 10 most important sciences

10. It is

9. impossible

8. to rank

7. the importance

6. of science

5. because

4. all of them

3. are equally

2. important.

1. Physics

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

Scientists have discovered the most important sentence to learn first in ANY language.

My friend will pay.

What’s the most important thing to check before rollerblading naked?

Your helmet is in good condition.

I think geology is the most important field in science.

Sure, it has its faults, but on the hole, it's ground-breaking.

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

Who are the most important key workers during a lockdown?

Locksmiths

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

What is the most important sport in Mexico?

Cross-country

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

What is wonder woman’s most important piece of armor?

Her wonder bra

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When The Body Was First Made, Who Was the Most Important

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

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What is it called when penis is the most important part of a relationship

A dick-tatorship

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

What's the most important thing for a horse when voting?

A stable economy

What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship?

It's flamboyant.

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

The most important thing I learned in school is how to use math in my everyday life.

Damn, I meant to say meth, damn drugs been messing with my brain

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Whats the single most important metric in brothel reviews?

Most bang for your buck

If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

What is the most important thing for a hungry shark?

A-fish-in-sea.

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

What's the most important thing to do when your ex tells you they are HIV positive?

Act surprised.

What is a doctor's most important quality?

Patience!

One of the most important skill my parents taught me is...

How to tell what is junk mail and real mail.

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

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A professor asks his students which organ is the most important. One student immediately shouts his answer. “The penis,” he says.

Professor: Please tell me how you arrived at your conclusion.

Student: Circular reasoning.

Professor: Logical phallusy.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

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All the parts of the body were arguing about who was the most important...

The brain said that it was the most important since it did all the thinking. The heart thought it was the most important since it pumped all the blood. The lungs said they were the most important since the gathered the fresh air. Suddenly from the back the asshole spoke up.

"I'm the most impo...

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

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