UPJOKE

Most Famous Jokes

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

What's the most famous Queens of the Stone Age song?

I tried to google it but it said that no one knows.

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

CIA, Mossad and MI6 are the most famous spy agencies in the world

Other spy agencies are more professional.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Who is the most famous donkey?

Donkey Hotay

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a ...

Which kind of hall is the most famous worldwide?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

What state in India is most famous for Covid injection dumb jokes?

Punjab, of course.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age.

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

The house I live in used to be owned by one of the worlds most famous dentists

To commemorate this there is no Plaque

Who was the most famous ARDS victim?

Franz Coughka

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

Why did the chicken cross the road, has been one of the most famous & long running joke and we all wonder why.

Well, because it has legs.

Have you heard about the most famous terrorist ?

No one expected him to blow up

What's the most famous way a woman has ever hidden her affair from her husband?

Creating a religion.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Who is the most famous German train driver?

Michael Choomacher.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

What did God do about France’s most famous cathedral?

Notre Dame thing!

Who was the most famous hacker in history?

Lizzie Borden.

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

Was at a restaurant with friends and overheard this table next to us taking turns bragging about the most famous people that they have ever met.

Dave, the bus driver, and I had a good laugh.

Who's the most famous chair tester?

Mike Easter

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

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The most famous person of all times

Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants ...

What's North America's most famous red wine?

Give back our land!

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

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What was FDR's most famous maritime obscenity law?

The Nude Eel.

Who is the most famous cow in France?

Albert Camoo

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

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Picasso, Caravaggio, and Warhol meet in Hell.

They ask for an appointment with god to ask him why they went to hell despite being great artists who gave so much to the world.

God says, "Caravaggio, you were a street gang bully and a literal murderer. Of course you go to hell."

"What about me?" Picasso says.

"Picasso, you tr...

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The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

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A boy decided to do his school paper on the most famous man in town.

So he went to the man and asked him for his story.

The man sat the boy down and said, "Listen here kid. I've done many great things in my life. But sometimes, you don't get to choose what you're remembered for. Once, as I was walking home after work, I heard screams from the orphanage near by...

What do you get when you cross the world's most famous skater with the world's best physicist?

A video game so realistic, when you screw up you have to play in a wheelchair.

[Please don't hurt me](http://i.imgur.com/3j5vABi.png)

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

The Alou family

The most famous family to play baseball: the Alous. Felipe Alou, Moisés Alou, Jesus Alou, and Boog Powell. Boog changed his name because he did not want to come to home plate as Boog Alou.

Did you know Sinatra was a huge chess fan?

He sang one of his most famous songs about it...

The Way You Rook to Knight.

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you int...

There was once a great Spanish magician

He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count; uno, dos and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

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An old western tavern is serving a magical drink...

Cowboys from near and far would ride to this tavern in the wild west to try its most famous cocktail which was promised to turn a man's semen into bullets when drank. Many cowboys were hesitant to try, but eventually they would all come a round.

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Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre was the most famous fighter pilot in all of France.
When he returned to the small village of his birth, he was received as a hero. All men wanted to be him and all women wanted to be with him.
In the busy market place he spotted a beautiful girl, grabbed her by the waste and whispered i...

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Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

A foreigner enters a country and gets a taxi.

On his way to the hotel he points at a tall building and asks the driver,'How long did it take to build that building?'. The driver responds, 'Two years.'. 'TWO YEARS! In my country it would have taken only Two months',The foreigner said.

After a while, the foreigner again asked,'How lon...

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

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It's interesting how mythology has permeated our culture. Just look at Oedipus...

he's the most famous motherfucker around.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He meets God there and asks him: "Dear God, you know me, I'm the author of worlds most famous equation. Would you show me the equation you used to create man?"

God takes a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbles something down and gives it to him.

Einstein is studying the formula for a ...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

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One of my favorite older dark jokes of all time

*this joke is probably one of the oldest and most famous dark jokes ever but it's by far one of the best ones I've ever heard

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" a...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach recalling old times. Jesus said, "Moses, do you remember the time you spoke to the burning bush?" Moses replied, "Of course! That was when God spoke to me and it turned my life around. That's where I learned my life's mission to free God's people from Pha...

Singing French Knights

In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

It's the 2016 Olympics

And Chris Brown is still the most famous female boxer

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Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

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A man goes to a bar in town for the first time

He buys a few drinks, one after another, and gets to talking to the bartender. After a while, he asks the bartender:

"If I show you something that you've never seen before, will you let me have my drinks for free this evening?"

The bartender thinks to himself, "well, I've seen pretty m...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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Randolph the Bow-Legged Cowboy

You know George Armstrong Custer
And Frank James and Zorro,
Buffalo Billy, Red Ryder, and Tonto
But do you recall
The most famous cowboy of all?

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run

All of th...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

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Chickens are Illuminati

As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do p...

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A Shaggy Dog Story

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He says to the bartender; “I have a talking dog, and for a drink, I’ll prove it to you.”
The bartender pours the man a drink.
The man has his drink. When he finishes, the bartender says, “so let’s hear your dog talk.”
The man says to the dog;
“W...

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