UPJOKE

Most Dangerous Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Earth is the most dangerous planet

100% of humans die there

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

What's the most dangerous Caribbean food?

Ricin peas.

What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?

Space

What's the most dangerous part about Scrabble

It's all fun and games until someone loses an I

What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

I play the world's most dangerous sport.

I ~~sometimes~~ occasionally disagree with my wife.

Where is the most dangerous place to swim?

Hepatitis C.

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.?

Between a politician and a news camera.

Dogs that don't bark are the most dangerous of all

They're woofless

Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar.

A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar at the airport when the logger says, "I fall timber, the most dangerous job in the world. I'm a faller, I'm a bucker, I'm a mean motherfucker." Then the fisherman says, "I'm an Alaska king crabber which is the second most dangerous job in the world. We'r...

From the FBIs Most Wanted List....

Two men have become the most dangerous in America!

Dunning and Krueger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

Why do baboons have big red balls?

So they can hide in apple trees.

What's the most dangerous job in Africa?

Picking apples.

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on ...

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. John...

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". T...

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

The joke my 9 year old brother made so much better.

What kind of bee is the most dangerous?

The Hepatitis Bee.

(My brother: "Please tell me that joke!"

Me: "no, it's a grown-up joke."

Brother: "Please? I know I'll get it!")

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:

So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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