UPJOKE

Morning Coffee Jokes

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

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Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

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An older gentleman is sitting on his porch one morning drinking his morning coffee

He lives across the street from a cemetery, and because he is retired he gets to see a lot of funeral processions go by as he drinks his coffee. However, todays procession was different than the others. There were two hearses with a man walking his dog behind the second hearse, and about 100 other m...

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I always put Viagra in my morning coffee

So I can work extra hard on the job

I once made my morning coffee with redbull instead of water.

Was halfway to work before I noticed I forgot my car.

This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee.

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"

Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"

Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

I hate talking to people until I have had my morning coffee

I don't drink coffee

Where do Egyptian's have their morning coffee?

At the nearest "On The Ra"

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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.

“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might...

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning...

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

A man visited his doctor, concerned about experiencing eye pain every time he indulged in a cup of coffee

"Doctor, every time I have my morning coffee, my right eye hurts. Is that supposed to happen?"

The doctor responded, "Well, it's certainly not a common side effect. But don't worry, you can still enjoy your coffee. Just remember to remove the spoon before taking a sip.”

I must confess, the best time I had in the military was when I was finally relieved of duty.

Usually happened daily, just after my morning coffee.

Good Morning…

What’s the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary?

One says says “Good morning, Boss”, and makes your morning coffee.

The other makes your morning coffee and says, “It’s morning, Boss”.

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Irish funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lea...

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Three Old Guys

Three old guys were having their early morning coffee klatsch and the first one said “I feel like I have to pee all the time, but it’s just drips and drabs! It’s just awful!
The second guy complains about pooping: I huff and puff and all I get are a few rabbit turds, it’s awfull.
The third guy...

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc".

Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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