UPJOKE

More Like Jokes

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

I look more like my mother than my father.

He doesn't look like her at all.

Did you know blind people are more likely to get scurvy?

They don’t get enough vitamin see.

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

I wish my wife was more like reddit.

It goes down so often.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He Looks More Like His Mom...

Why don't they have a Stepfather and Son day at school?

Because the teachers know that there's gonna be a bunch of little bastards running around the classroom

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's

We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."

As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

I feel like I'm becoming more like my dad little by little

Every day it feels like I disappear a little

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if

* exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

My wife wishes I looked more like a rugged lumberjack.

And I wish she looked like less of one.

I would look more like a mountain..

if I were so inclined.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

Be more like Christ they said...

Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.

What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad?

He Gru!

Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting

Trump made a New Year’s resolution to be more like Gandhi

So he’s starting a nuclear war

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

In recent years, 'Great Britain' has become more like

'Great, Britain'.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

To me Bernie Sanders is more like God

It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out.

I've never felt more like a dummy ...

Than when I found out my proctologist is also a ventriloquist.

Super Droll, More Like

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your...

Marriage Jokes...more like facts

Marriage Jokes

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend....

I wish my GPA was more like me

because I'm a solid 4

[LIGHTLY POLITICAL] North Korea is a horrible nation to its citizens, why can't it be more like South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.

“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We often wish our lives were more like a movie

I just wish mine was a little less like "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

Studies show that men with beards are more likely to cheat...

...than women with beards.

A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish my wife were more like the Cleveland Browns.

She'd work out all week and suck dick every Sunday.

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The longer I'm married the more like a porn star my wife becomes.

I can look, but I can't touch.

They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

Clinton is so desperate to make her image more like Bernie...

He's old so she has to get a Kaine

I told my boyfriend that people with lower IQs are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories...

He said “Thats what they want you to think!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Research has shown that Obese people who have just had sexual reassignment surgery are more likely to survive cannibalistic scenarios

Because Trans Fat are bad for your health.

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds

Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car

Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed...

... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs

Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city?

That's because you don't live in New York City

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

A new study came out today showing that kids who are NOT vaccinated are actually more likely to have autism.

Turns out autism is hereditary.

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