UPJOKE

More Excited Than Jokes

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

As told by my father in-law

(Translated into English) There was once a poor village that was behind the times. They lacked many modern facilities including electricity. They had as many stray dogs as people. Then one day the electrical utility company announced that they will be bringing electricity and poles into the village....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves to rural Idaho...

The day he finally gets all moved in, he decides to go down the road to meet his neighbor. The man knocks on the door and when the neighbor opens it, the man says, "Hey, I just moved in down the way and I thought I'd come and meet my nearest neighbor".

"Well great!" says the neighbor, "You c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his grandfather

A young boy walks up to his grandfather and says "grandpa, can I have a dollar?" The grandfather asks, "Is your dick long enough to touch your ass hole?" the boy replies, "no.." The grandfather then says, well come back when it is."

For the next few years the boy asked his grandfather the sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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