As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive
Luckily my older brother told me about it
Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke
I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me
Then I fell into a printing press.
\-Milton Jones
I do whatever I can to fight poverty
So the other day, I punched a tramp
(Courtesy of Milton Jones)
All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.
(Credit to Milton Jones)
My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...
unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.
Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones
I was sitting in the park today watching this sweet little old lady feed the birds
Then I thought: "I wonder how long she's been dead?"
Milton Jones.
A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...
...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
-Milton Jones
My grandfather was terminally ill...
The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.
But after that he just went downhill very quickly.
. . . Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones
If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Courtesy of Milton Jones, more jokes of his here. Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Milton%20Jones#ixzz3DeZDequD
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number ...
She looked great going down the stairs.
Source: Milton Jones
I lost my job as an architect after my first day
Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.
Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.
10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe
**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**
The gag won 41% of the vote.
## Best of the rest
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:
* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...
When i was young, i used to come home from school,
I would open the front door and get hit in the face by eggs and bacon, as i passed frontroom door pizza would fly out at me, go to the bathroom and scrambled egg on toast would fly from the closet, we literally did not know where the next meal was coming from!
-I believe i ...
Some people just don't understand evolution.
I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin!
All credit to Milton Jones for that one.
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