UPJOKE

Middle Of The Road Jokes

I used to hitchhike by the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed and some food for a while.

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?

To get to the other side

(actual true story) I saw some board games in the middle of the road that must have falled off of a car; the Scrabble box had burst open and there were tiles everywhere.

A case of a wreck tile dysfunction.

Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road...

...that's the word on the street anyway.

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

Why did the toilet paper stop in the middle of the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.

So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.....

He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.

A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the truck and asks, "What are you doing with that penguin in your c...

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver ...

Why did the Redditor post in the middle of the road?

He was trying to get some Car-ma.

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

What`s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road this morning…

I really should find a safer place to finish this wicker basket…

Some people came over a man lying on the middle of the road...

"What happened" they asked

"Black motorcycle, traveling at 50 miles per hour"..the man said in a whisper.

"Wow you can say that just by listening to the vibrations on the road !" The people exclaimed.

"No ! I fell off the dammed thing" croaked the man.

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Three homeless men (a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man) see a dead dog in the middle of the road

The white man says” Let’s all put in $10 and see who lays down beside the dog the longest and the winner gets the money”. The men agree and put $10 in each. The white man went first and laid down next to the dog.5 minutes pass. Then 10. Then 15. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore”...

You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

What happens when you dig a hole in the middle of the road and name it love?

People fall in love.

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

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A newlywed couple was driving in the country…

As they’re driving along, the wife starts getting horny. She starts flirting with her husband and he starts getting horny. They both agree they have to have it RIGHT NOW. Being out in the country, out in the middle of nowhere to say little of being miles and miles from home, the husband pulls the ca...

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in t...

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

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Woman walks into the Butchers and asks for meat

Woman walked into the butcher and gets some steak and dog scraps. This happens for a while and the butcher asks what sort of dog she has. She replied I don't have a dog. It's for my husband he thinks he's a dog and it's all he eats
The butcher tells her that's terrible and also very unhealthy to ...

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road and a woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG."

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "BITCH."

They continue on their way then. As the man rounds a bend, he suddenly crashes into a pig standing in the middle of the road.

I am not saying my wife is a bad driver but ...

our neighbors walk in the middle of the road to avoid getting hit by her car.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit.

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit laying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde and says “omg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?”

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend, that’s frantic...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

Man drives in recklessly in high speed, down mountain road

Man drives in recklessly in high speed, down mountain road.

Coming up toward him, a woman roll down her window and shout: watch it pig

The man shout back: you watch it cow, and smash into stray pig in middle of the road

It's not a good idea to lie

Especially if you're in the middle of the road.

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Murphy is leaving the pub for the night.

He gets in the car, pulls out of the car park, and begins driving home on the highway. All of a sudden there's a tree right in the middle of the road, so he swerves out of the way.


"what in the fuck was that?" he says.


A minute later another tree pops up right in front of his f...

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A guy who works in a big city has been feeling super stressed so he decides to ask for some time off in the countryside.

He goes to his boss and asks for 5 days off so he can relax and enjoy a countryside vacation, just him and his dog. His boss says that's ok, so he goes home, packs some stuff, puts his dog in the car and starts driving.

After a couple hours of driving he finds himself in one of those "endless...

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

A little boy is walking home from his friend's house,

When he sees something in the middle of the road. He bends over and picks up a picture of a smiling pretty girl holding up two fingers. He thinks, "Wow! What a cool picture! I'm going to show Mo-." The boy is hit by a truck and instantly dies. A man gets out of the truck in a panic and 911 already p...

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I translated this joke into English from my native language

Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: “You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes ...

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

Two guys riding in a truck. NSFW

They come around a bend in the road to see the largest newfoundland lab they've ever seen.
The dog is sitting in the middle of the road blocking their path, thoroughly cleaning his balls. The passenger sees this and tells the driver I sure wish I could do that.
The driver says I'm sure you ca...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

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Road Painter

A man wants a line painted down the middle of a private road, so he posts an advertisement for a road painter. Only one person calls him to apply for the job.

When he interviews the applicant, the man can tell that the guy is dim-witted, but since he is the only person available for the job ...

A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."

Man scratched his head and said "okay give...

Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to ...

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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

Nate the Snake

In a large and almost deserted desert, there lives a snake. His name is Nate, he is, Nate the Snake. His one mission in life is to stop a lever from being pushed, because if it is, the world will end. Now, Nate has been the deserts only inhabitant for a while, so he has never had a friend. Then one ...

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Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

Blonde gets a new job

A blonde walks into the job interview, and the boss says to her, "Alright, this is a pretty easy job. Basically, all you have to do is paint a dotted line down the middle of the road. Your minimum distance you should paint each day is 2 miles. Do you think you can do that?"

"Absolutely," the...

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermin...

Shlemiel the Painter

Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck.

The next day Shlemie...

A Bunny Story..

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunn...

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A man is driving his car along a dirt road...

when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine, when he hears a voice behind him say:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
He looks around, but there is not a soul in sightin either direction. Then, he notices a ...

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2 nuns driving down a dark country lane late one night.

Half way down the see the devil standing in the middle of the road blocking their path. They stop the car look at each other and sister mary turns to sister agnes and says 'oh dear sister mary whatever shall we do?'

To this question sister mary says ' I have an idea sister agnes, climb out of...

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