UPJOKE

Me After Jokes

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: My wife isn’t talking to me after she walked in on me while masturbating.

Friend: Were you watching porn?

Me: No! I was just looking at pictures of Sanna Marin, the Swedish Prime Minister.

Friend: Finnish.

Me: Yes! And thats when she REALLY lost it.

My lawyer dumped me after I said I hated U2.

He was working under a Pro Bono agreement.

My wife said she wants to spend more time with me after I come home from work

Now I work from home so I never come home from work.

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend used to rate me after sex

One time she suggested we try anal and the whole time she was screaming nine! Nine!

I was like yes! Best I ever did tbh.

My wife left me after I got fired from my job in encryption.

19H5I191BI20CH

My wife kissed me after eating a booger...

You might think it is funny, but it's snot.

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great then I tried to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it”

This just keeps getting better.

My Gran barely recognises me after I’ve been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.

It’s not surprising. I’ve grown another foot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

Me after my 6th tequila shot

My brain: What u doing?
My stomach: What u doing?
My liver: What u doing?
Me to my ex: What u doing?

My wife is furious with me after finding the letters I was trying to hide

She said she's had it and never wants to play Scrabble with me ever again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

Husband: "Will you marry me after I die?"

Wife: "No I will live with my sister."



Wife: "Now will YOU marry after I die?"

Husband: "No I will also live with your sister."

My girlfriend broke up with me after we did a marathon.

I’m pretty heartbroken, but we had a good run.

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time is not the charm

Why did the United States send missiles to me after asking me not to leave?

Because I ran.

How come you didn't name me after you Dad?

We named you after your Mom, squirt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes to talk to me after sex...

It's great, I've got a special ringtone set up and everything.

My girlfriend left me after I became blind

I cannot see her anymore...

The police called me "boring" and released me after only 20 minutes,

I guess I wasn't a person of interest.

My wife left me after she found out how much I’d been paying for manual labor.

Or hand jobs as she calls them.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend isn't speaking to me after I gave him a Beatles suggestion.

He asked me what Beatles album he should pick up, and I told him "Dude, you need to get Help."

Me after death with god in the heaven:- what's your greatest achievement?

I managed the people to forget about the 4/20 month and also made the extroverts to sit at their home.

When the Saudi police tackled me after I stole something from the market…

…I instantly realised my mistake when I shouted, "Unhand me!"

Wife : You stopped loving me after we got married...

Husband :I told you before marriage that I have no interest in married women....

*Me after travelling 6 out of the 7 continents of the world*

\*Points to the last remaining continent on the globe\*
"Europe next."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

My friend came up to me after making the world's largest bread

He said to me "Hey, thanks for helping out with this"

I responded "No problem, it was the yeast I could do"

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

My newest girlfriend broke up with me after we lost a one legged race fundraiser.

She says we got off on the wrong foot.

my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names...

she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always wants to talk to me after sex

I don’t mind the talking, it’s just that her phone calls always wake me up.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.