UPJOKE

Make Up Your Mind Jokes

Make Up Your Mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"

The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"

The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 m...

Make up your minds

People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you send kids to concentration camps. Damn Liberals. Make up your damn minds.

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

A Polish guy on his wedding night...

He doesn't even know what to do. So his wife is instructing him:

"In! Out! In! Out!...

Exasperated, the Polish guy exclaims "Woman! Will you make up your mind?!

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

A woman with five kids went to a dentist to have a tooth removed

The woman said "Doc, I must admit i've been DREADING this. I'd just as soon have another baby before I'd have a tooth pulled!"

The dentist said "Well, make up your mind- i have to adjust the chair."

At the Pearly Gates

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, you are allowed one wish for anyone you left behind, back on earth. St. Peter explained this to a woman who had just recently arrived, and asked what her one wish would be.

"Well, I just wish my son would get married and be happy."

"Look lady, I said o...

A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus

The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."

An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, ...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

A wife screamed at her husband: 'You're gonna be real sorry. I'm gonna leave you'

'Make up your mind' said the husband 'Which is it going to be?'

Trying to fly a kite.

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to he...

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth"

the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

oink who

**Knock! Knock! Who's there? Oink oink. Oink oink who? Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!**

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So a guy wants to go hunting with his wife and it's raining...

His wife says "I'm not going hunting in the rain!"
He says "You're going hunting in the rain or I'm going to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my cock, so make up your mind while I go get the dogs ready!"
He comes back into the house and his wife tells him "I'm not going hunting in the rai...

Robber: "Put your hands in the air and give me all your money!"

Bank teller: "Make up your mind!"

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A hillbilly decides to get his life together

One day 2 hillbillies are sitting on their porch rocking chairs listening to the radio and one of them says, “man there’s gotta be more to life than this, I’m tired of not doing anything useful.” Right then, an ad starts playing on the radio for the local community college. That’s it! The hillbilly ...

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My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...

We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a cocky grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is real...

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A beautiful young woman goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted ...

She sits down tentatively before looking up at the dentist and says,"I am just so anxious about this whole procedure. You know, I think I would rather be fucked up the ass without any lubricant than have a tooth pulled out."

The dentist replied,"Well...you better make up your mind before I a...

A woman, her baby and a man are sitting in a train coach

The woman is trying to breast feed her baby, but the baby keeps turning away.

Woman: Come on, drink the milk. Drink the milk or I will give it to this man instead.

The man casts her a surprised glance but stays quiet.

Woman: Take the breast. Come on, you don't want for this nice...

A woman is visiting a farm...

A woman is visiting a farm and sees an attractive but naive farmhand. She goes to talk to him and convinces him to meet her in the barn later. Once she has him alone in the barn she says, "Take off your clothes."
"Well all right" he says and does so.
"Now take off all my clothes". He complies....

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A man decides to go camping...(DIRTY JOKE)

A man wakes up on a Friday morning, looks over at his wife and says
"wife, wake up, were going camping"

His wife rolls over and sits up in bed and says "Honey, you know I don't like bugs or being outside, I'm not going camping.

"Well" the man says, "I'll give you three choices, you ...

Timmy was coming of age

And so his father decided to help him with his "situation".

He gave him some money and said: Okay son! You're going to go at the edge of town and find one of those girls hanging out there, pay her and she will make a man out of you.

Hearing all this through the hallway, Timmy's neigh...

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A man with half an orange as a head

A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'

'I'm ...

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