UPJOKE

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I...

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeño.

Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao.

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

Boyz 2 Men is teaming up with Medieval Times to make their own brand of liquor

They make it in the still of the knight

How does KORN make their music?

They play it by ear.

Did you hear that a group of hookers decided to make their own basketball team?

They're going to be called the Harlot Globetrotters.

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

How does a musician make their vehicles more aerodynamic?

They remove the delivery sign

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until... "Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride. "It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all twisted!"

"That's what they look like!" he replies.

"Have you ever SEEN another man's junk?" the bride demands.

"Well, no - but I'm normal! This is what they look like!"

"No they don't!" sh...

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

What do pirates make their jumpers from?

Yaaaarn

What do communists make their beds with?

Lenin.

How do cremators make their money?

They urn it

Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

Liars make their bed and....

lie there too.

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

Why do left-handed people make their smileys like this (:

So they don't get ink on their sleeve !

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

I was wondering how boomerangs can make their way back to you.

And then it hit me.

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What do teddies bears use to make their boobs seem larger ?

A plush-up bra.

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

Why can't two Asians make their own Caucasian babes?

Because two wongs don't make a white!

God and his 2 omnipotent friends are deciding how they should make their new world,

When trying to decide what to add to their world God's first friend says "We need to create a large strong animal that can pull around our people's machinery and that they can ride long distances to save their legs"

"Don't worry" said God "I have just the thing from the last world I made, the...

How does the Catholic Church make their holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

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What do retired people do to make their days interesting?

People frequently ask retired old folks like me, what
we do to make our days interesting.

Well,for example,The other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,"Come on man,how abou...

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his ey...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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