UPJOKE

Make Such Jokes

Why do geologists make such good friends?

Because they’re gneiss

People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

Why do some presidents make such great fishermen?

They know exactly how to rig the poles,
tell tall tails, and lie about the size of their cache.

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

Why would Quasimodo make such a good detective?

He's always got a hunch.

How does Liam Neeson make such good pancakes?

He has a very particular set of skillets.

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

Why do Canadians make such good accountants?

Because they’re type eh?

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Why does a tiger make such a good girlfriend?

Because its not a cheetah.

Why do French horns make such a loud noise?

You would too, if someone blew in one end of you and shoved their hand in the other

Why do redditors make such good fencers?

They're used to dealing with ripostes.

Why do Mathematicians Make such good farmers?

They know how to use a protractor

How does Mike Wazowski make such good neck jewelry?

Because he’s neckless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women make such great plumbers?

They like to bring up shit from the past.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Why does Pennywise make such a horrible SQL database architect?

He tries to cast all the data to float.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do rapists make such great salesmen?

They don't take no for an answer.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Why do women make such horrible capenters?

Because for years men have telling them that |----------------| is 8 inches long.

Why do the French make such bad farmers?

They hate the germination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients. What did you think, asshole?

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is about to go into a bar on a Saturday afternoon when he hears a voice behind him call out "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around ready to give the busybody a piece of his mind, but he holds his tongue on seeing it is an elderly nun, and instead he says "Excuse me, Sister, but why would you be calling this delightful hostelry such a hard name?"

"Because it is the devil's water they sell there," she cries...

They are every where

Why do potatoes and corn make such good spies?





They have eyes and ears everywhere!

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring...

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
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