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Mad Man Jokes

A mad man in the hospital

Told his doctor that he was seeing rats playing basketball outside.

The doctor said “take these tablets to help you sleep.”

The mad man replied, “NO Sah! Tonight is the finals!”

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

Mad Man

Wife: How would you feel if I die?

Husband: I will go mad with grief.

Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you?

Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

A Doctor is visiting a patient at an asylum

Doctor: What is this?

Mad man: This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.

Doctor: You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?

Mad man: On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.

And on the last page i wrote 'The king reac...

Three men approach the gates of heaven

Three men approach the gate of heaven and meet Saint Peter who tells them that heaven is getting full and only those with the most awful deaths will be allowed in that day.
The first man steps up and says picture this...My boss let me go home early so I rushed home to my 22nd apartment floor buil...

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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

3 guys are standing on a tower

They are pretty much bored until one of the guys proposes a challenge.

He challenges the other two to throw their watch of the tower and to run down as fast as they can to try and catch it before it drops to the ground. Each of them puts in $100, so the first one to catch the watch wins and g...

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Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"

Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"

Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

The pope goes to new york and gets picked up at the airport by a limo.

He looks at the car and says to the driver "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is a bit hesitant, but thinks "well I can't really say no to the pope"

So the pope takes the wheel and he starts speeding like a mad man! He stamps on the accelerator ...

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Magic Dildo

A man was in a sex shop looking for a gift for his wife. Mother's Day was just around the corner and he wanted to get her the perfect gift. He was having trouble deciding so he went up to the counter to get some help. He asked the girl at the counter, a stunningly hot blonde, what her favorite toy w...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the...

The Future went to the hospital...

... with his wife, Past, as she was due to deliver their new baby. As the contractions got closer and more intense, the door bursts and there stood Present- out of breath from having run from the parking garage and soaked with sweat.

“I got here as fast as I could, dear- I wouldn’t miss the ...

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Jaque' "non numeru un" flying ace!

Come and I will tell you of a man named Jaque' "mon numeru un flying ace". He was the greatest ace pilot in all of France. He spoke of a woman he once wooed, saying:
"I took this woman to my quarters and placed her on my bed. I tore her blouse open exposing her beautiful breast. Then I poured w...

Robin drives the Batmobile

After a hard fought night against some bad guys, Batman and Robin return to the Batmobile. Before entering the Batmobile, Batman says he allows Robin to drive it. Excited, Robin gets in the car with Batman, and starts it up. He goes off at an amazing speed, shifting gears like a mad man, going from ...

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A man suspects his wife is cheating on him...

so he decides to come home early and catch her in the act. When he arrives at their apartment he finds another car that he doesn't recognize. Furious, he throws the door open to find his wife, sweating and in her underwear sitting at their dining room table.

In a rage, he starts to tear throu...

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