UPJOKE

Love Me Jokes

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

"I love you," I said. "Do you love me too?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "On a scale of 1-10 that sounds about right."

Honeydew you love me?

If not, we cantaloupe

"How much do you love me?" she asked.

I said, "Look into the sky and count the stars. That's how much I love you."

"But the sun is shining!" she said.

"There you go."

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

Why do Italian women love me?

I'm firm when I need to be, but I can also be soft and tender.

The name's Dente.

Al Dente.

When a girl asks "Do you love me?"

Don't say "nowwwww. That I... Can daaaaaaance"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can't you just love me for who I am

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

She’s love me not.

My wife kisses me a lot more when I’m cutting the carne asada. At first I thought, “wow, she really loves me” but then I realized she only wants me for my meat.

Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"

Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does he still love me?

Man and Woman are lying in bed and thinking:

Woman:
He is lying next to me. He doesn't hug me.
He is looking at the ceiling. Who knows what he is thinking about?
We are together for four years. That is too long for replacing me for some younger and more beautiful woman.
Well I ga...

Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me?

Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma

"You never tell me you love me," said my girlfriend.

I said, "That's because you never ask."

She said, "Do you want me to?"

"Go for it," I replied.

She said, "Do you love me?"

I said, "No."

"If you don't get us a dog you don't love me" Says my daughter.

"That sounds like blackmail" I said back.

My daughter runs to my wife and shouted "Dad said we would have a dog as long as it is a black male!"

Babies and animals love me...

Basically, anyone not smart enough to know better.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

She said she will love me till forever comes...

only to find out Forever is her boyfriend from Zimbabwe

Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.

“Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful”....

...not if that personality stays lousy

Old couple walking around the park... - Honey, tell me how much do you love me.

\- Do you see all those clouds in the sky?
\- While yes, of course.

\- Let's go home, cuz it's going to rain.

"Do you love me, Donald?" asked Melania.

"Covfefe."

My wife asked me "will you still love me when I get old and fat?"

I told her "What? You mean you're going to get even worse?"

Life: Why do people love me and hate you?

Death: *scoffs* Have you met the millennials?

“Do you love me for my beauty or brains?” asks the woman

Without missing a beat he replies: “I love your self confidence dear”

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

would you still love me?

Husband asks his young wife, "Would you still love me if I hadn't inherited my Father's fortune?". She smiles sweetly and says, "Honey, I would have loved you no matter whose fortune you inherited".

She asks her new boyfriend, "Will you love me always"?

He replies, "Of course. Which way would you like to try first"?

Sweet Wife: Do you love me....

Sweet Wife: Do you love me just because my father left a lot of money for me?
Naughty Husband: Not-at-all honey. I would love you no matter who left money for you.

"Love me do" was written by John Lennon...

After he got a really nice haircut

My wife told me she didn’t love me any more. She said I always forget the important stuff...

The thing is, I don’t remember what I forgot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I wonder if my girlfriend will love me if I become incontinent.

Then I think, “No. Who could love someone so shitty?”

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