UPJOKE

Loud Voice Jokes

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a problematically loud voice

He goes to the doctor: WHAT CAN BE DONE!? -Well, says the doctor, I'm afraid your penis is too long and affects your vocal cords and the only treatment is to cut a segment off of your penis. DO IT, I DON'CARE JUST HELP ME!! So they go on with the procedure and everything goes fine and he gains norma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

Homer

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phon...

After a tiring day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone.

When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on...

Two Rabbis are having lunch together…

The first one says “You won’t believe the terrible thing that’s happened! My son, he left home and became a Christian!”

The other Rabbi says “It’s funny you should mention this! My son, he also left home and now is Christian!”

They can’t believe the exact same thing has happened to bo...

a man walks into a library

and says in a loud voice “can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice ‘Sir, you’re in a library’

the man whispers ‘Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish...

He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fi...

A pilot crash lands on an uncharted island

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He b...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise!

A farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”

After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. You ...

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bad time in hell

This really bad guy, eventually died and went to hell, in hell, in hell, the devil appeared in front of the guy

Devil: I see that you are now in hell, I have 5 doors wich you can choose, once you enter, there is no way of coming back, and you will be destined to spent eternity inside

*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

Late one night a burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo...

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

A man wants to go ice fishing.

He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying ‘THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.’
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: ‘THER...

Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishm...

Fishing on thin ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

A guy was taking his year end final for his course in university (remember those?)

The time is up, all of the others have handed in their tests, and this one guy keeps on writing. The professor comes over to him and says "Times up! Hand in your test." He ignores this, and keeps writing.
"If you don't hand your paper over now, I'll disqualify your test," says the professor... an...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

A hunchbacked man was walking through the cemetery at night

Suddenly a loud voice said:

- Man, are you hunchbacked?

- Yes, I'm hunchbacked

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!!!

- No, I'm hunchbacked!

- No man, you're not hunchbacked!

A man run home, looked at the mirror, but there really was no hump.
Full of joy he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern

And is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat.

It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.

The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks...

Mr Grasshopper and Mr Centipede had plans to go jogging today. Centipede knocks on Grasshoppers door and nobody answers.

After a coupled failed attempts Grasshopper this time knocked while yelling “Mr Centipede! You home? Hello?” Still nobody answers.

Grasshopper then starts ringing the doorbell yelling even louder in a loud voice “ You said 10am now where are you!!??”

Mr Centipede comes to the door a...

A Dumb Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A dumb blonde goes ice fishing.

The dumb blonde finds a good spot on the ice, cuts a whole in it and begins fishing.

Suddenly a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"

The dumb blonde gets startled and decides to move to a new spot on the ice. The dumb blonde cu...

A beautiful woman is addressed at a bar

The man: "I'd like to invite you for a drink."

Then the woman in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!" Then the man: "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that".

The woman again in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!!". The man sits at his table in frustration.

The woman spea...

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through a jungle path one day when, all of a sudden...

he hears a small voice cry for help. After following the voice through the dense vegetation he finds a mouse stuck in quicksand. The mouse desperately begs the elephant for help. Knowing that the mouse will die if he does nothing, the elephant whips out his dick, tells the mouse to grab the head, an...

Another blonde joke

A famous ventriloquist is doing a comedy show with his puppet, where he and the puppet chat and the puppet tells the jokes. At one point in the show, the puppet tells a whole string of the usual blonde jokes, which has the audience roaring with laughter.

But one woman isn't having it. She st...

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing.

As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. ...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

Are You Moses ?

Recently while going through a Mideastern airport during one of his many trips, George Bush encountered a man with silver hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man didn't answer and just kept staring ahead.

Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my dad's favorites..

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter greets him and stops him from entering. While this man was not a really bad man, neither was he particularly good and St. Peter sends him down to hell. When he gets there, he is greeted by the devil, who tells him that there are t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun decide to play basketball together...

They walk towards the basketball field and start a free shots challenge.

The nun shoots the ball and scores a point.

It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket. Being angry he shouts "fucking God, I missed it".

The nun is astonished and says "Sir, please yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The assface man

There was this guy whose face looked exactly like a nice round butt and everyone constantly made fun of him, so one day he decided to put an end to his misery and kill himself. He saw an open shaft and decided to jump in it, but before that he leaned into it to check shaft's depth. A loud voice from...

The Thane Of Cawdor’s (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

“Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of ...

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”



The little girl folds her...

A white guy and black argue if God is black or white...

Two friends are walking down a street arguing with one another about God being black or white. After arguing for many hours they both agree that they will go to a church and pray for the answer. They both enter the church and start praying asking God for an answer. Finally a loud voice fills the roo...

A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
...

St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. H...

A blonde decides to go ice fishing.

She’s got all her gear ready and just needs to find the perfect spot on the ice to set up.
The blonde finds a suitable spot on the ice and starts drilling until she hears a loud voice overhead.

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Spooked, she gathers up her things and starts walking....

3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.

The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

Painting the church.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church.
He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint...

3 Dwarves.....

2 nuns are walking down the street when they come across 3 of the 7 dwarves in an argument
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"
"Did Too"
"DID NOT"

After a moment, the dwarves notice the sisters and approach them

"Excuse me Sisters, do you know if there happen to be any dwarven nuns?"
...

Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"


"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

A Zebra died and went to Heaven...

..Upon reaching the gates and St. Peter, Zebra says
"Wow! This is place is huge! Am I really dead?" St. Peter replies with a chuckle and an
"I'm afraid so my child. But look around you, you're in heaven! Enjoy yourself, later today you get to have your meeting with God and you can ask hi...

Today I went to the grocery store and while at the checkout I dropped a $20 bill.

The lady in front of me picked it up, I thanked her and told her that it was mine and she said "The things found on earth are kept by the collector" and walks away.

I looked at the cashier who is as amazed as me and, in a loud voice, I say to the lady, "is this some kind of joke?! Give me ba...

Tiny Concerto

So, a guy walks into a bar. It's early in the afternoon, and he's the only customer, so he sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it, sets it down, and says, "That'll be 20 dollars." The man looks at him, wide-eyed, and says "Twenty dollars? For one freaking beer?" "Oh no", say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy was playing with his toy train...

A young boy was playing with his toy train in the living room. In a loud voice he says, 'The train goes zoomin' around and zoomin' around and zoomin' around!" Followed by, "Ding Ding!! Now arriving at the station! All you mother fuckers that want to get off the train, get off the train!. All you...

Found in an old math book

Good induction versus bad induction.

A scientist had two Iarge jars before him on the laboratory table. The jar on his left contained a hundred fleas; the jar on his right was empty. The scientist carefully lifted a flea from the jar on the left, placed the flea on the table between the two j...

John

After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know...

The Zebras stripes (long Joke)

Once upon a time a zebra was contemplating his life and everything that had meaning, when all of a sudden he had a thought "Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes"
He pondering on this for a while when he decided to go ask the lion.

After a short time of...

People are enjoying a drive in movie...

When all of a sudden a loud voice comes in over the intercom.

“To the man who’s taken my wife, I know you are here, I’ll be coming round with my baseball bat until I find you.”

27 Cars left right then and there.


Sorry if repost, purely coincidental.

What do you call a man...

With a car on his head? Jack.

In a hole? Phil.

Who always wins? Victor.

With a very loud voice? Mike.

In a pile of leaves? Russel.

Who cleans your house? Dustin.

With no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake? Bob.

Lying in front of your door? Matt....

Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, ...

The Ressurection

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very angry man storms into a bar

A angry man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in one, and stands up to declare in a loud voice: "I just want everyone to know that lawyers are fucking assholes."

"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception to that!"

"What," the first man snarls, "are you...

A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum.

On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.

When he woke up, his shoes were gone.

Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.

After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three programmers were condemned to death by....

Three tech gurus were sentenced to be executed. They were to be executed by a century old guillotine. The first guy, a microsoft engineer is secured at the bottom of the frame. The blade is released but slows down gradually and stops a few inches before the nape of his neck.

Considering it as...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.