UPJOKE

Lost My Job Jokes

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

I lost my job at the keyboard factory last week.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Me: Hey Siri, I lost my Job.

Siri: That's bad, do you want me to tell a joke to cheer you up?
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Siri: What's the difference between a You and Large Pizza?
Me: Idk
Siri: A large pizza can feed a family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost my job today...

Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

I lost my job as a wine taster.

I was fired for not drinking on the job.

Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control...

I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

I just lost my job as a clown, so I'm selling my car...

It's a bargain: one owner, 11000 miles, seats 26

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester.

I couldn't do sundaes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I lost my job

Boss “Why the fuck did you sleep with her”

Me “Well she was just lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?”

Boss “A fucking autopsy”

Me “Oh right”

Boss “You are never welcome in this fucking vet again!”

Me “oh fuck you”

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

I lost my job as an electrician.

They said that I re-fused too much work.

I lost my job...

I prayed to God for a lottery win.
I got behind on my rent,
I pleaded to God for a lottery win.
I got evicted,
I went to church and begged God for a lottery win.
Suddenly, in the church, God appeared to me.
He said, Dave! Meet me half way and buy a bloody ticket.

I recently lost my job as a watchmaker

I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I almost lost my job at the glue factory...

It seemed like everything was falling apart. But I stuck with it, and have managed to hold it all together.

I just needed to adhere to the rules

I just lost my job manufacturing children’s playground aparatus

This industry is all swings and roundabouts

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

I lost my job performing circumcisions

I just couldn't cut it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job as a teacher for swearing.

People need to understand that's it a common thing to do during sex.

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

I lost my job as a waiter

Apparently, I had insulted an infamous mafia boss by taking away his plate.

He told me he was Don

I’m not sure why I lost my job as a CIA interrogator.

Didn’t think to ask.

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

I lost my job at the M&M factory.

I kept throwing out the w's

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

I recently lost my job as a drill instructor...

...who knew you weren't supposed to beat your privates in public?!

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Today was a bad day

My ex got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Lost my job at the pet store on the very first day

A lady came in to buy a spider, I told her she could get one cheaper off the web

A man was having a bad day...

A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.

A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.

The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.

The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

I used to say 'Only the sky is the limit'

Guess that's why I lost my job at NASA.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

I saw a woman waving at me yesterday, but I wasn’t too sure.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.

I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend...

I do miss him.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

A high school music instructor walks into a bar

A high school music instructor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The superintendent said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students read band books."

Kindness

A blind old lady gets on a bus. All the seats are taken. An old man sees how nobody is willing to give up their seat for her. After a bit of hesitation, he gets up, takes her by the hand, and brings her to his seat. As she sits, he looks at the crowd and scowls as the bus leaves the stop.

Lat...

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

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