If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money...
I'd have $43.
Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?
He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.
The man: Well, Charley?
Charley lifts his paw.
The man: Charley, come on, say something...
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