UPJOKE

Looking Up Jokes

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today,” I told the bartender.

“That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

“Not on Amazon it isn't" I said.

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We were looking up at the sky and my astronomer friend said, “Do you know what a white dwarf is?”

Me: Yes. I think his name is Peter Dinklage.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

“The problem with looking up quotes on the internet..

Is that most of them are lies” - Abraham Lincoln

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.



She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

I spent hours looking up at the stars, wondering if the universe was infinite

Fine night

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and ...

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

I tried looking up Ernst Gräfenberg, the physician who the G-Spot is named after.

After an hour of looking, I gave up.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

Why is everyone looking up and cheering?

They’re ceiling fans

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky.

Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”
“Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says.
“What does it mean?” Sherlock asks.
“Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.”
“No, what does it MEAN...

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I tried looking up another word for butthurt

But I can't find my thesoreass.

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

A rabbit and a beaver are looking up at the majesty of the Hoover Dam

And the beaver says to the rabbit

"Well I didn't build it but it's based on my design"

I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break.

My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

I tried looking up jokes about steak, but couldn't find any.

I guess they're rare.

Looking up skirts it’s just one of the daily routines of my job...

... because I sure as hell don’t want to be the guy who put a “do not dryclean “ item in the wrong bin.

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There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

I was out camping one night just laying down in my sleeping bag and looking up at the stars wondering....

Where the hell is my tent?

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