UPJOKE

Long Story Short Jokes

To cut a long story short

I became a film editor

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

Girl goes on a date. Afterwards her friend asks "how was it?" She says "well long story short..."

Her friend says "sorry, that always sucks".

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, is your dick called 'Long Story'?

Because long story short.

Tree joke

I had a tree I wanted removed ,because it was to close to the house. I called a tree guy and he came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He ask me what I thought and I said it was nice but what about the stump ?..He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, If I wanted th...

I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short......

Don't ever date a leg

A woman died at her office birthday party.

She said she wanted yellow cake. Long story short, we're not allowed to have any more parties at the nuclear plant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

I told Alexa to play pet sounds on repeat to keep my dog company while I was out of the house today.

Long story short, my shih-tzu knows the words to "God Only Knows" now.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

What's my job as an editor at a publishing house like?

Well, to cut a long story short.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

There's an old man who lives next door to me.

He wanted to get his grandson a gift for his birthday, but he couldn't remember the name.

He called me and asked me about the name of that toy that "always comes back to you".

Long story short, the boomer rang.

Talking dog for sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees an old dog just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your ...

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

I got pulled over for riding a bike drunk

I got pulled over by the cops for riding a bike drunk. The cop asks me; "what do you think you're doing riding a bike drunk?"

So I told him, " I'm too drunk to drive, and every time I try and walk I fall down. So I stole the bike"

Anyhow, long story short, I need bail money.

A stutterer in a boat.

A stutterer along with his friends went for fishing on boat.

While everything was going peacefully, suddendly the stutterer starting screamin sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...The others didn't understand what he wanted to say, but nonetheless he screamed sh-sh-sh-sh louder.But then they heard something. It w...

Did you hear the story about the Man Eating Tree?

Well, long story short it was all bark and no bite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

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