UPJOKE

Long Joke Jokes

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

Long joke

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking he’s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, “What happened?” The man replies, “I h...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

The Old Man and the Beaver (long joke)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor consid...

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

A man goes to the circus, looking for a job [Long Joke]

A man goes to the circus looking for a job, he approaches the ticket seller to find the ring master.

"What do you want?" Said the ticket seller.

"I have the greatest act ever, that I know is perfect for the circus, and is bound to impress the ring master"

The ticket seller thoug...

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A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

Another kind of long joke.

Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. ...

Two short jokes and one long joke...

Joke. Joke. Jooooke.

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

(Long joke) A man is dying of a rare disease...

This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.

A Make-A-Wi...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

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A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

The short version of a long joke

Bernie brags at a bar that he knows lots of celebrities, including Clint Eastwood. When Phil calls him a liar, they bet on it, and Bernie takes him to Clint's house, where Bernie receives a warm welcome.

Weeks later Bernie brags about knowing the queen of England. Sure enough, Phil scoffs at...

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

The bell ringer (long joke)

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

Twenty five years... [Long Joke]

Twenty five years. Twenty five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced t...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

Here is a long joke about time travel

Edit: Removed since you guys didn't like it.

Very dark humor(Long joke)

A grandfather and a grandson are sitting next to each other. The grandson in on his phone while the grandfather is trying to talk to him. The grandfather says to himself, “Urgh, how you children are dependent on technology.” The grandson hears what the grandfather said and replied with, “No, your ge...

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. [Long joke]

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo! "
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Ye...

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke)

A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the...

An old man was in his Lamborghini, driving down a highway (long joke)

He was driving 100 mph down a highway, when suddenly he saw the police chasing him. So, he starts speeding up, 140, 150, then 180.

Suddenly, he slows down and thinks, “I’m too old for this.”

He pulls over, and waits for the police officer to catch up. The officer gets out of the car, a...

The Zebras stripes (long Joke)

Once upon a time a zebra was contemplating his life and everything that had meaning, when all of a sudden he had a thought "Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes"
He pondering on this for a while when he decided to go ask the lion.

After a short time of...

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Really long joke but good

This guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parro...

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Teacher asks the class what is the “moral of the story”.... (Long Joke.)

Teacher asked the class what is the moral of the story? A kid raises his hand and says his dad was a Vietnam jet fighter pilot and had to parachute out on the way down he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Landed picked up a gun killed 5 enemies. Picked up a knife killed 3 more and with his ...

I was going to post a really long joke about a mythical fire breathing animal

But it'd drag on.

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

My favorite long joke

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as

there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said

that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,



'Imagine this - I suspected my wife...

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Kind of a long joke, but it is my personal favorite to tell. I hope you all like it.

A husband and wife are driving on the highway when suddenly the wife turns to her husband and says

"I want a divorce."

The man says nothing only speeds up slightly.

"Not only do I want a divorce but I'm taking the house, the car, the bank accounts, the kids, and the credit cards...

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

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A guy coming in the bar makes a 50$ bet. ( this is a very long joke so sorry about that.)

He says to the bartender if I can put my eye in my mouth you have to give me 50$. The bartender says sure I’ll make that deal, so the guy takes out his eye and says glass eye and puts it in his mouth. The bartender is visibly angry and the guy says. If I can put my other eye in my mouth it’s another...

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The spoon (long joke)

A family is eating in a restaurant and as the waiter is refilling their drinks the dad drops his iced tea spoon. Not missing a beat the waiter puts a spoon back in his glass. Curious, he asks "how did you know I was going to drop it?" "I didn't. Studies show that the most dropped utensil is the spoo...

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A cheating husband (long joke), NSFW

A cheating husband is caught by his wife. She goes crazy and cuts his dick off. It cannot be re-attached. They divorce and years go by. The guy's doctor tells him about an experimental procedure where they make a prosthetic out of an elephant's trunk. The guy agrees to have the procedure done. ...

Long joke A Newly wed couple are in their hotel room...

This is the first time they will see each other naked. So the new husband takes of his pants and throws them at his new wife. " here put these on" he says. The wife grabbed the pants and thought it was a weird request but did it anyways. The new husband was a big burly fella so the pants where very ...

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[REQUEST] Your favorite long, maybe a bit TOO long, but worth it joke.

Every day I read the bounty of /jokes, and maybe once a month I see a new one. It fills me with such joy. Also, I work with this amazing fellow who tells these 20 minute jokes, and I am almost out of return-fire ammunition.


See, I love long jokes, story jokes, and there seems to be a pauc...

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Deductive Reasoning - long joke

A guy recently purchased a house and is moving in when his neighbor comes out to greet him.

Neighbor: Hi! I'm Billy. What's your name?
New Owner: Nice to meet you Billy. I'm Tom.
Billy: What do you do Tom?
Tom: I work in deductive reasoning.
Billy: What's deductive reasoning?
T...

I usually like to read the punchline of long jokes before I read the whole thing.

The Bible definitely threw me a curveball.

[Long Joke] A newlywed couple wanted to go on their honeymoon...

but both of them being very busy at their jobs, they got a call to have emergency meetings at different places of the country. They decided that they will make arrangements for the resort at Africa for them to reach there after their meetings. However, the husband's meeting was planned to end one da...

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(Long Joke) Three men died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement...

3 men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement. St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now, if they had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my ...

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