UPJOKE

Long Beard Jokes

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A Hasidic man, with a long beard, payis, a kaftan (long black coat), and shtreiml (the traditional fur hat), walks into a bar with a multi-colored parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says: "Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replies: "Brooklyn. There's thousands of them."

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Sandy was the youngest of five brothers born in a poor family in 19th century Scotland.

When he came of age, Sandy decided to cross the seas to America to seek his fortune. Scots are thrifty and hardworking, so Sandy prospered in his new home. After twenty years, he decided the time had come, so he booked passage on a sailing ship to cross the sea again and return to his native land fo...

the wise masters wisdom

As a young adventurer I visited the Himalayas and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he b...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

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A writer moves to the Shetland Islands

Desiring peace and quiet to write his latest work, he revels in the solitude of the Shetlands. One day there comes a knock on his door, and when he answers, it's a Shetlander - a tall, lanky man, with wild hair, a long beard, and a frazzled sweater.

"I've come to invite you to a party, since...

A guy was robbed in the park.

He called the police. After 10 minutes, a policeman arrived.

He asked: "Can you describe the person?"

The guy answered: " Yeah. It was a man, he had a beard, was really big, approximately 1.95m."

The policeman looked confused and said: "Wow, that's a pretty long beard. can't be ...

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

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A man is on his first day as a crewman of a pirate ship

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg,...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

It was a midnight journey on the Paris underground.

I stared intently at the floor thinking about the end of my trip to France. Then it started. Tick, tick, tick, bing. Slow and rhythmic but getting gradually louder. Tick tick, tick, bing.

Turning to the old woman on my left I asked her what was happening. She shrugged and tutted then looked...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are marooned on an island

John, Mick, and McTavish have been stuck on the island for a very long time, and all have grown long beards.

One day while exploring, John discovered an old type of lamp, like an oil lamp.

Mick saw it and said "It could be an ol' genie! rub it a few times"

John rubs the lamp thr...

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

Three guys walk into a wizard's bar

They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender.

"Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"

"Yeah right!" The first guy says. "Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"

With a ...

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A man was wandering, alone in a forest in rural China

He was getting weary from the long hours of constant walking, and was feeling very thirsty. He stopped to have a look around, and spotted a little shack in the forest. As he approached, an old man with a great long beard came out towards him, and bowed. "I see you are tired from walking, and you loo...

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

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