UPJOKE

Little Billy Jokes

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

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(NSFW) Little Billy wakes up one night

hearing strange noises from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Billy screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Billy runs away, screaming.

...

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?

Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.

Teacher: And how does this even related?

Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

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Little Billy at it again (NSFW)

Little Billy wakes up early on Saturday morning to go play with his new dog... After looking for a while he finds the dog flat on his back, legs in the air!


Confused he runs and gets his father. His father realising that the dog has passed on thinks for a while on how he is going to break...

So Little Billy's rooster died

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking i...

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amus...

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Little Billy came home from school one day...

He asks his mother "Mom, what is a blowjob?"

She stammers, and a look of terror washes over her face as she tries to think of an appropriate response.
Overhearing this, Dad heroically swoops in to her rescue..

"Little Billy, she doesn't know."

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Little Billy

Little Billy wakes up full of excitement on Christmas day. He rushes downstairs as fast as his little legs will carry him. Being from a poor family his parents can't afford much but he's grateful for what he receives. A small pile of inexpensive gifts are quickly opened by the young boy.

A li...

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Little Billy comes home and asks his dad...

"Daddy, one of the boys at school called me a 'cunt'! What does that mean?"

His dad says, "wait until mommy goes to bed, and then I'll show you."

A few hours pass, and sure enough mom has gone to bed and fallen asleep. Billy's dad comes into his room and wakes him up. They go into the ...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Little Billy's mom took him to the grocery store.

In the middle of the cereal aisle little Billy yelled out "Mom I have to PEE!"

All the other women smirked and looked judgementally at Billy's mom as her face turned red as a tomato. She pulled her son close.

"Listen little Billy, I never want you to say that again. Next time you need ...

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

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Little Billy.

Teacher asks Billy, Why are you late for class today.

Billy: Sorry miss, an old lady lost a $50 dollar bill.

Teacher: Oh that's nice Billy to help look for it, did she find it?

Billy: No miss, that's why I am late, I was stood on it until she buggered off..

Little Billy used to drink, But he shall drink no more.

For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

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Teacher says to little Billy at school:

"I want you to use a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."

Billy: I've got 9 buttons on my coat but I can only fascinate.

Little Billy had been blind since birth...

...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."

So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know s...

Teacher asked the class,

"there are five crows sitting on a fence and a farmer shoots two,how many are left"

Little billy pipes up, "ain't none, the rest took off."

Teacher says" well, there are still three crows, but i like the way you're thinking."

Little billy says: let me ask you a question, three w...

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

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Little Billy.

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in it's ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what? screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn...

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

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Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot ...

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Little billy wanted to smoke and drink.

Five year old Billy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

Billy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man...

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Teacher asks Little Billy to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.

Little Billy replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Billy," To which Billy replies, "Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants then..."

Little Billy in Math class

Little Billy was in math class and the teacher asked, 'If there are 4 birds on a telephone wire, and the farmer shoots one of them off, how many are left?' Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, 'Yes Billy?' Little Billy says 'Zero! Because when the farmer shoots the other bir...

Little billy came home from school one day with his school report.

When his dad saw the report he was livid, it was appaling. He said "right Billy my lad this is terrible if this doesn't improve by the end of this year I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you!" So Billy tried really hard he really gave it his best shot but the reports remained execrable the year ...

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Grandpa and Little Billy go fishing...

One summer morning, grandpa and little Billy go for a fishing trip. Once they get out on the boat, grandpa reaches into the cooler and grabs a cold Bud. As he cracks his beer Billy asks, "Hey Grandpa, do you think I could try a sip of that beer?". Grandpa responds "Does your pecker touch your bung ...

The class is learning about the holocaust, when the teacher asks if anyone's grandparents died in the deathcamps. Little Billy puts his hand up.

"Oh... Class, let us hold a minute of silence for him. If it is not too indiscreet, how did he die?"

"Fell off a watchtower."

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy...

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

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A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "...

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Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she p...

Little Suzy and little Billy were at day-care

Suzy approached Billy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

Billy said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Suzy replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."

Suzy nodded and ...

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

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A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your m...

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Little Johny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Billy say...

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One day...

Little Billy was sitting in the classroom going through a math lesson.

Out of nowhere, Billy starts a conversation about Mr. Johnston, who recently gotten into a car accident.

"Hey, you guys hear about Mr. Johnston?" says Billy.

One of his friends say "Yeah, it was terrible! He ...

A Bear tells Stories to his Grandchild

"Tell us about the time you nearly robbed a bank!", asks little Billy.

"Well," says the bear, "I walked into the bank with my gun and told everyone to put their hands up"

"Then what happened?" asked Billy

The bear, visibly scared, responds, "I don't know, they all got really big...

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

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A teacher asked her students...

A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.

The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.

The next week she asks"how many...

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Use the word beautiful in a sentence...

Little Billy's first grade teacher asked the class if they could use the word beautiful in a sentence.

Little Billy's hand shot straight up, waving in the air like he's trying to shake off a booger, but the teacher ignores him because he is Little Billy.

"Sally," says the teacher, "can...

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Tommy and Billy decide it is time they start swearing. ..

Ten year old Tommy and his eight year old brother Billy are in their bunk bed when Tommy declares "I think it is time we start swearing"
Billy says "Yeah!"
Tommy says "Tomorrow I'm going to use the word 'bitch'"
Billy says "I'm going to use the word 'fuck'"
They fall asleep happy...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Robin Hood

The teacher asked "Who can tell me the name of Robin Hood's love?". Little Billy raised his hand and said "It's Trudy Glen miss". The teacher says "No that's not right Billy, the correct answer is Maid Marian." Billy says: "That's not true miss. In the song it says.. Robin Hood Robin Hood Riding Tru...

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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."...

Miss Annie was teaching Sunday school to a group of first graders.

She explained that Easter would come soon, and asked if anyone knew which holiday Easter was.

Little Suzie asked, “Is that the holiday where we get a tree, and everyone gets presents?”

Miss Annie said, “No that is Christmas.”

Little Billy asked, “Is that the holiday where we hav...

Can't you just UNDERSTAND!?

Little billy was bored so he was playing under the table in the kitchen with his toys to pass the time. His mom who was cooking and noticed him under the table shouted "Billy get out from under the table right now!" Little billy was confused and asked his mom " what does under mean?" She answered "i...

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Using the word 'definitely'

A 3rd grade English teacher stood in front of her class and asked for volunteers to use the word 'definitely' to describe something.



The first student, Johnny, raised his hand and said "Teacher, the sky is definitely blue!"

The teacher responds "Well Johnny, sometimes the s...

Go to the movies

Little Billy comes home from school one day and sees a note on the bedroom door.

"We left $15 on the table, go to the movies"

Curious, Billy looks through the keyhole and sees his dad on top of his mom, saying "Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy".

9 months later Billy's mom gives birth to a lit...

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

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A teacher gave her class an assignment.....

She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you.

The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says "I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to...

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one morning the mother is ill so the dad is getting the kids breakfast

"Right then kids, what do you want for breakfast?" He asks little Billy and Jane.
Billy calls out, "I'll have a fucking boiled egg!"

He father slaps him round the back of the head and says ""WHAT! nothing for you then! off to school now and your grounded for a week!" He turns to Jane "So w...

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