UPJOKE

Lights On Jokes

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

"Lights on, or lights off?" he asked me.

I said, "Just give me the prostate exam, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always keep the lights on during sex..

because I'm afraid of being alone in the dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Policeofficer stops a guy

so; the police officer stops a guy midnight on an empty street.
"what we got here? you seem to be drunk" says the officer

the guy in the car replies; "sir, i'm not drunk, i dont drink alcohol, i'm just on my way home"

officer: "sounds like something a drunk guy would say, lets do a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the guy who works the lights on a porn set?

The illumi-naughty.

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...

...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus turns on the light.

A doctor asks his patient how he's been. The man says, "Great and the Lord is with me. Every time I use the bathroom at night He turns on the light and turns it off when I'm done." The Doctor asks the man's wife if she thinks the man is delusional. She asks why. The doctor says, "He thinks the Lord ...

Why did the computer programmer put up his Christmas lights on Halloween?

He always gets DEC 25 and OCT 31 confused.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

I’m already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!

Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid

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