UPJOKE

Lights Off Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always says we should have sex with the lights off.

If she's so keen about saving energy, why does she moan about me "just lying there"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three stages of sex in marriage.

Stage one: Whole house sex. You and your partner have sex in every room of the house. Standing up, bending over, on any surface available.

Stage two: Bedroom Sex. You and your partner only have sex in the bedroom... after you shower... with the lights off.

Stage three: Hall sex. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our third date she said she liked to have sex with the lights off.

She should have also mentioned "not in a cinema".

"Lights on, or lights off?" he asked me.

I said, "Just give me the prostate exam, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Asked my magic 8 ball if I should turn my lights off or not...

It said "ON"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me becau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

Three brothers and the lights

Three brothers are arguing about whom will turn the lights off. The first orders the second, and the second orders the third to turn the lights off. In the end they agreed if someone talks he’d turn the lights off.

Days past and the neighbours are starting to get worried about them so they d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sign language

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.


After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to...

My local Chinese takeaway is really struggling with cost of energy bills

They don't want to turn all the lights off, but they do dim sum

What is the fastest way to stop a verbal fight between deaf people?

Turn the lights off.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.