UPJOKE

Lie To Jokes

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

Don’t lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.

"Sir have you been drinking?"

"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."

"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."

"What! You don't believe me?"

Never lie to your radiologist

They will see right through you

Never lie to an elephant

There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:

"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?

Well it's because an elephant never...

never...

An elephant, uh,...

Why is it OK to lie to a dentist?

Because the tooth hurts.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

Don't Lie to Your Mom

**Could have been posted before**, however here it goes...



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be ...

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

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My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?''

"I have never lied to the American people."


"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you."

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

I hate it when people lie to me...

Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a bunch of Abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it's not even a real magazine.

So I just up and packed my things and left in the middle of the night.

Never lie to a smart woman

Man on phone:
"Honey I have been asked to go golfing in China with my boss for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion.
So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, and my Golf bag.
We are leaving from office & I will swing by the house to pick my thi...

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

Never lie to kids

I make it a point never to lie to my kids. This morning one of them came up to me and asked, "Where do little babies come from?" And I gave him a straight answer: "Sheer carelessness! Sheer carelessness!"

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

I only lie to people I don't like.

Don't worry, I like you.

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Never lie to your wife..

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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Masturbating into condoms...

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It'...

I tried to lie to the bouncer about my age when so I could enter the club...

Me: "23 sir".

Bouncer: "Hmm you don't look 23..."

Me: "Oh stop it you're making me blus-"

Bouncer: "You look like you're in your 30s".

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One of my All-Time favorites (long):

A priest is fishing with one of his flock, an avid fisherman, and catches a whopper of a fish. The parishioner, forgetting himself for a moment, exclaims, “Look at the size of that Fucker!”

The priest responds sternly and so the parishioner, quick-thinking as he his, explains, “Oh … no Fath...

Hear about the girl who sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Are you gonna lie to me!?"

Pinocchio said, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no...!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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