UPJOKE

Laughing So Hard Jokes

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

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A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

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So God and an Angel are creating Humans…

GOD: So when it's cold, we'll make nipples do what?

ANGEL: Make em hard?

GOD: Nice, nice, everybody loves boobies. How about dicks?

ANGEL: Shrink em!

GOD: *laughing so hard tears run down his face*

Collateral damage

A guy flying a small aircraft starts finding random stuff under his seat and decides to chuck it all off the plane. First it was a knife, then a bag of potatoes, and lastly a jar of nitroglycerin. After finding nothing else under his seat, he carries on with his flight.

The next day, the ...

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

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Two explorers in the 1950s crash land on a remote island

They are soon captured by the local tribe. They are told that if they do not complete 2 tasks they will be killed and eaten. However if they succeed they can live like kings with their own harem.

First they must go into the jungle and find 10 edible things and bring them back.
They go, an...

What is the funniest fish?

A piranha-ha-ha.

In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicop...

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American beer is like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.

Heard this on a Monty Python doc. Had to pause the doc because I was laughing so hard.

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

Praise the Lord!

A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, stand on the porch, and say, “Praise the Lord!”

This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to yell out his door, “There is no Lord!”

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his religious ...

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

Onboard the Titanic...

While cruising aboard the Titanic, an engineer boasts to his dinner companions, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God can't sink her!"

Overhearing what the engineer said, God started laughing so hard that he spilled his glass of water and ice cubes went flying everywhere.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.

One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered t...

How I feel on reddit...

A reporter went in to a prison to to report on conditions there. He was standing in the chow hall, next to a guard. All the prisoners were silently eating their grub.
All of a sudden one of the prisoners shouted “24!”. All of the other prisoners started to laugh.
A minute later another prisone...

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

A blonde cuts off a truck driver on the highway...

the truck driver has bad road rage and forces the blonde to pull over. He runs up to the blonde and starts yelling at her. The truck driver draws a circle on the pavement and tells the blonde stay there. Then, the truck driver starts smashing her windshield. He looks back at the blonde and she's smi...

Two people walk into a bar

Maybe if they hadn’t been laughing so hard at this joke they would’ve noticed it.

3 world leaders are on a plane...

...and are trying to decide who's the most benevolent.

The first leader says "I'm going to solve poverty!" So he tosses bags of money all over the world. He lands at the airport to refuel and he sees a little girl crying outside. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks.

She respon...

You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

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Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

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Once there were 3 people in an airplane.

One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.

The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.

Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too ...

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

Three men are in a helicopter.

They urge one another to throw things off the side. The first says "Watch this!" and drops a rusty nail out of the helicopter.

"That's nothing!" says the second man, who proceeds to drop three rusty nails out of the helicopter.

The third man smiles, says "Take a load of this," and drop...

There are 3 nuns two that are crying and one who is laughing...

a priest goes up to the first crying nun and asks, "What is wrong sister?" The nun says, "I broke into somebody's house." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The next nun says, "Father I stole someone's car." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it ...

Old Friends in Silent Pub

Two old friends, Johnny and Steve, who haven't seen each in 20 years bump into each other on the street.

Steve:"Johnny? Wow must be 20 years at least!"
Johnny:"Yes I would think so. Nice to see you. Hey I'm off to the pub want to join me and we can talk."
Steve:"Sure, we sure have a lot...

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Wind turbines...

BIG FAN!

(Fun fact, this one time, I was out playing tourist with my girlfriend and we were waiting for the ice cream store to open (because someone decided you can’t have ice cream for breakfast) so we went into a gift shop.

There was a joke book, so I picked it up and read the first ...

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