UPJOKE

Last Time Jokes

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general ...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

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An old woman wants to get married one last time so she doesn't die alone.

She takes out an ad in the paper that says, "I'm looking for a husband. You must not hit me, you must not walk out on me, and you must be good in bed. If you're interested, come by my house tomorrow so I can get to know you."

The next day, several men show up at her house, but none of them q...

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...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

I honestly cant remember anything about the last time i visited an osteopath.

Yet it was only a week back.

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy…

The last last time I had a threesome with my wife and my buddy, I told her, "I have a friend in you." Yeah, that's why it was the last time.

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

The last time I did any public speaking was the valedictorian speech in high school.

I was the one yelling “You suck!” from the back.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her,

“What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

The last time I washed my hair was 3 months ago....

I wasn't completely bald then....

Last time I flew Malaysia Airlines, I didn't shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on the shore.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

When was the last time an Incel went for a run?

Last night on World of Warcraft.

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

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For the last time, I am not gay.

I just date people that are, to show my support.

For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I on...

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

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Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?"

The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"


Heard this at the dentist this morning

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind

but its been awhile.

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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

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That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face...

whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

Last time I was at Disney with my dad...

He complimented Ariel on her seashells.

She didn't have seashells. They were more of a small B shell.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago.

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

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Last time I got a piece of ass

Was when my finger slipped through the toilet paper

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

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This is the last time.

Im starting to get frusterated with this Prince of Nigeria.

Sure he was nice enough to let me know I have $1,000,000 waiting to be sent to me but man he needs to get his shit together.

I have sent the $500 processing fee in four times now and he keeps losing it.

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

That's the last time I eat seafood.

It made me feel a bit...eel.

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

Last time I went to the Indian restaurant, they forgot to give me bread...

But I didn't complain, since it was a naan-issue.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

I ate a green salad the last time I was on a plane

It was my phyto-flight response

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

Person 1: For the last time, it's not "reverse gravity", it's called BUOYANCY

Person 2: *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat

A couple who had two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant and was
happy to deliver a baby boy.

The father raced to the hospital to see his new
son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly
baby.

He said to his wife, "I cannot possibly be the
Father of that hideous child. Look at the two
beauti...

I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she can't remember the last time we had sex

I was so shocked I nearly dropped my rohypnol.

The last time I refused a beer...

I misunderstood the question

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

Last time I asked for a cavity search....

My dentist got really angry and threw me out of his office

Last time I was working in Dallas, I had picked up these two girls on Uber.

They were talking about sight seeing and various landmarks when we pulled up next to a older brick building that had huge windows at a red light. I noticed the building was empty inside, like it had been cleared and renovated but not occupied. So I pointed it out and told the girls it was the Dallas...

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Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

I was Jesus last time!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
Kevin ...

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

Make me feel like a woman one last time

The pilot of an aeroplane announces they're about to crash and there is no sign of hope. Upon hearing this a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells "Is there anybody man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?" To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells "Here,...

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

For the last time, I'm not racist!

I specifically called it African American Friday!

I’m having a hard time remembering the punchline of this joke about the wife who found her husband, naked and unconscious, after he’d cheated for the last time.

The long and short of it was in her hands.

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Last time i had sex was just like the time a meteor wiped out the dinosaurs...

it happened so long ago ive forgotten the details.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

I still remember the last time I created my own version of Fight Club.

Come to think of it, it was around the same time I was fired from the YMCA...

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

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I was at my wife's friend's house to pick up some glassware from the last time we all got together

And my wife's friend walks in and says
"I want you to take off my shirt"
So I take off her shirt, and she says
"Now I want you to take off my pants"
So I take her pants off, and she tells me to take off her bra and panties, so I take them off. Finally, she says "and if I ever catch you w...

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

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Last time I took a girl out and tried to kiss her she threw her cocktail in my face.

I wouldn't have been so sour about the evening if the drinks hadn't been on me.

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An old woman wants to get laid one last time [NSFW]

So she calls a prostitute. He comes and they get to do it. And at first it's very unpleasent, it doest slide well.
They stop for a break and get to do it again. And this time it's wonderfull, everythings goes as needed and even better, even the prostitute is having the time of his life.
When...

The last time an exorcist came round I forgot to pay the bill

I got repossessed

The last time I made a chick moist....

was a water balloon fight in 4th grade.

The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

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