UPJOKE

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm

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Theres finally an instructional video on how to last longer in bed...

It's about fucking time!

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

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A man contemplates if it's worth masturbating now so he can last longer in bed later.

It will come in handy.

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

Don’t stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves. As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt identify a...

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

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I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.

"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."

So that night I went home to my w...

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A Stormtrooper and a Twi’lek prostitute are chatting after sex

She says to him, “You know, I’ve fucked guys from the Empire and from the Resistance and I’m more partial to you Imperials.”

“Why is that?” Asks the stormtrooper.

“Well you guys always seem to last longer.”

“Is that so? Whats wrong with the Rebels?”

“Well,” she says with...

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

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I know a guy who always takes a picture of his dick before having sex...

Apparently if you take a picture, it'll last longer.

an anti vaxx kid is like my phone

it’s supposed to last longer but always dies at ten

What do batteries and anti-vax kids have in common

The people who make them always say they last longer than they actually do.

A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

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Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend?

ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?

ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".

What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common?

Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.

She was already feeling very annoyed that night

The skimpy uniform the bar owner made them all wear was bad enough. It helped with tips, she guessed, and as a newly single mom she had to do whatever she could to pay the bills.

But the men! She could feel their oozing gazes following her as she buzzed around the room carrying drinks and cle...

What's the different between England and a tea bag?

A tea bag last longer in the cup

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

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A man can't satisfy his wife in bed..

He only lasts about 5 seconds. So on the way to work one day, he stops by the doctor and tells him his problem. The doc tells him to jerk off before having sex and that should help him last longer. So the man leaves and goes to work. The wife calls him later that day at his desk and reminds him that...

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