UPJOKE

Last Christmas Jokes

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

I bought my cousin, who is blind, a cheese grater last Christmas.

He said it's the most violent book his ever read.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

And the very next day,

I was fired for medical malpractice.

Last christmas Santa got me a sweater.

This year I’ve asked for a screamer instead.

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas...

So my dad got me two ford transits

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

Last Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"...

was about the coroner?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Christmas was traumatising for me...

I was up until late. I lit up the fire in the fireplace. I didn't extinguish the fire and I fell asleep while reading a book...when I heard scream I opened my eyes.

Let me tell ya...it is traumatic to hear Santa Claus go from "ho ho ho" to "ho-holy shit"

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

Friend: This might be my grandma's last Christmas

Me: why? Is she sick?

Friend: no, she's changing religions.

Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.

That was a fair trade.

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Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

I gave my friend gifts of gold and frankincense last Christmas

It’ll keep him coming back for myrrh

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

Is it really okay?

Is it really okay to let the song "Last Christmas" run in the radio at a nursing home?

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

Yo momma is so fat

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Do you want to hear a joke about a ghost?

That's the spirit.


Disclaimer: My girlfriend told me this one and she has repeatedly said it pretty much since last Christmas and stills finds it super amusing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends meet after a couple years, and they start talking about vacations.

The first one says: "3 years ago, I went to the Maldives for Christmas, and guess what, my wife got pregnant!"

"That's awesome!" Says the other guy.

"And two Christmases ago" continues the first guy "I went to Hawaii, and she got pregnant again!"

"Wow, I'm so, so happy for you"...

How long should you wait to regift a Christmas present?

Last Christmas, this girl gave me her heart, and the very next day I gave it away. I haven’t heard the end of it since.

On the topic of George Michael...

I guess you could say it was his "Last Christmas".

Too soon?

I hadn't heard any news about George Michael for nearly a year...

And then Wham! Last Christmas.

I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

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