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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together and discussing how important their sons are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put yo...

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

"Ladies and Gents!"

...And that concludes our tour of the toilets.

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

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You may be surprised to know that I wear ladies underwear

And you may wonder why a heterosexual man would start doing such a thing.

Well, several years ago my wife was looking for something she lost in my car when she found a pair of women’s panties under the seat. She came storming into the house, panties dangling from her finger, and angrily ques...

What do arrows and young ladies have in common?

They're all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

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This one is for all the ladies

What's the difference between a guy with a big dick and a guy with a small dick?

Nothing. They both leave women dissatisfied.

Ladies....Fcuk Prince Charming. Go for the wolf.

He can see you better . Hear you better and Eat you better.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

Two elderly ladies reminiscing

The first asks "Do you remember the minuet?"
Second lady responds "Are you kidding, I can barely remember the ones I screwed!"

Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench.

Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench discussing life, when a flasher walks up to the women and throws open his trench coat.

The ladies are surprised, and the first lady has a stroke. The second lady also has a stroke, but the third lady was sitting too far away.

Old Lady Speeding...

**One night a state cop saw a car riding along at 22 miles per hour. He put on his lights and pulled the car over. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale.**

**The old lady who was driving said “Officer, I don't get why you pulled ...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

I am proud to say I give all the ladies repetitive strain injury.

Unfortunately it’s from swiping left on my tinder profile.

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I've hired a life coach to get help with the ladies

His first rule of advice: "*project the qualities you desire so that you may attract the right type of woman*."

which is great advice but, my goodness have I >!had to suck a lot of cock lately!<

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

I heard ladies like bad boys..

Lucky for them I’m bad at everything.

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What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

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Make old ladies cuss.

Q-How do you make 4 old ladies say "fuck" at the same time?

A- you tell the fifth one to scream "bingo".

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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

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Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.



My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Ladies, if he's willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be able to sacrifice Uranus.

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

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