UPJOKE

Keep Trying Jokes

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

I keep trying to follow the science but I think I'm doing it wrong

as it keeps leading me back to the money...

I keep trying to leave Rome...

But all the roads have this weird thing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

I keep trying to throw out my garbage can

But the garbage men keep emptying it and leaving it there

I keep trying to watch Inception but I can never finish it...

I keep waking up half way through!

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I keep trying to push the envelope...

But it just stays stationary.

I keep trying Jesus jokes

But can't quite nail 'em

I keep trying to learn about this one TV show,

but every time I ask “What is Jeopardy?”, people just laugh.

People keep trying to tell me I’m going blind

I just can’t see it myself

I keep trying to fish for telephones

**but they keep ringing off the hook**

I keep trying to write a joke about the Kraft scandal...

...but they all end up too cheesy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

I keep trying to tell Americans a joke about universal healthcare

But they just don’t get it

I keep trying to think of the unit for frequency...

It hertz my head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep trying to come up with a proctology joke...

...but the punch lines are always shit.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They can't, they keep trying to screw it in counter-clockwise...

Why can’t you let a politician on a plane?

They keep trying to destroy the other wing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

What should you do when nobody laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

If vegetables are so good on their own

Why do vegans keep trying to make them taste like meat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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