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Keep Quiet Jokes

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Why does a blondy keep quiet during sex?

Her mom told her not to talk with strangers.

I was told to keep quiet at my grandpa's funeral .

I guess they didn't want me to startle grandpa to death.

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

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Keep Quiet and take it

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about...

A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

Just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.

Ukrainian soldier is chasing a platoon of Russian troops through some woods

After a while one Russians says: "Hang on! There's 20 of us and only one of him. Why are we running from him?" And platoon leader silences him "Keep quiet! We don't know which one of us he's chasing."

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A Horny Cock

A farmer buys a new cock for his farm. As soon as they enter the farm, the cock starts its work, and fucks all the 200 hen at the farm. The farmer is pretty impressed.

After lunch, he notices that the cock again fucked all the 200 hen. The farmer thought, "Ok, maybe now it will stop." But no...

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...

Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
A...

Facebook: I know everything.

Google: I control everything.

Internet: Without me both of you are useless.


Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!

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The Jerk With the Megaphone

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m; I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
...

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Now that you put it that way...

A christian missionary spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.

Outraged the chief confronts the missionary. Being the only white person his daughter had ever ...

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A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"

Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"

"Order in this court room!" the j...

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

An albino child in an African tribe...

This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white missionary that was sent by the Church in his village.

Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"

Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in yo...

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works.

She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the...

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

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50 Bucks is 50 Bucks...

Jake and Mabel are a married couple and they are barely scraping by each year. The only time they spend any extra money is when they visit the county fair. Every time they go to the fair, there is a helicopter ride that circles the entire fair.

Jake says to Mabel, “Gee I really wish we could...

Why do women fart less than men?

Because they can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

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A boy is hiding in his moms closet....

...as she cheats on his father. The boy's father comes home from work early and the man goes to hide in the closet.

The boy says to the man, "Boy, sure is dark in here." To which the man replies, "Yeah, sure is, now be quiet" trying to keep the boy from drawing attention to the closet. "Do y...

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

"But mom! I don't like grandma."

"Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate."

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Bobby's New X Box

Bobby was playing in his parents bedroom one day, when he heard his mom and a stranger waking towards the room. Since he wasn't supposed to be there, he panicked, and jumped into the closet, just as him Mom and the strange man entered.


He sat in the dark for a while, hearing strange nois...

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