UPJOKE

Just Woke Up Jokes

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

Omg I just woke up from a horrible nightmare!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, just enjoying the water when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's w...

I just woke up with my reading lamp unplugged and lying next to me in bed.

You never know what to expect from your one night stand.

I just woke up from a 13month coma

Just in time to see my wife give birth

I just woke up this morning

It was an eye opening experience.

I just woke up from this really weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man just woke up and went to the park for his daily morning walk.

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we call these entitled people Karen?

Cause they don't have a fucking Karen the world!

(I just woke up and thought of this joke idk if it's been done before, thanks for reading)

A wife and husband are going on a road trip

After a few hours, the wife decides thay she is tired

Wife: Y'know honey, i think i might take a nap

The husband gives her a nod, and after putting her chair into a comfortable position for sleeping, she dozes off

A while later, she wakes up,and notices that they are completely ...

Have you heard of that new band “1023 Megabytes”?

They’re pretty good, but they don’t have a gig just yet.

Edit !: just woke up and i feel like the comments are funnier than my joke :(

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

A man wakes up one day and found $10,000 added to his account

He decides not to tell anyone and just keep on with his day as if nothing happened.. after a while he thought maybe he could buy himself some new stuff.

A week later he wakes up.. again.. but found $10,000 taken from his account. He grabs his phone and calls the bank:

"Good morning sir...

There was a kidnapping in Chicago!

It's okay, he just woke up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to the Dr because his D!ck has turned Orange.

Man: Doctor, I have this orange dick, its freaking me out, have you ever heard of such a thing?


Doctor: Hmm interesting, mind if I take a peak?


So the man breaks out his bright orange man meat for the doctor to inspect.


Doctor: By god! You're not kidding, you just wo...

What did the crow say when his friend got run over by a hit and run driver?

Caw the Cawps!

Backstory - my daughter just woke up telling me about her nightmare - I was driving her down a road, and kept running over crows in the road, she would look back and would see crows mourning over their friends. We had to keep driving back and forth through the same road because...

Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....

and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and see...

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

Three blonde ladies are sitting in a cafe

chatting about various things.

one lady says, "You know, I’m getting really forgetful.This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that’s bad? The other day, I was s...

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