UPJOKE

Just Found Out Jokes

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

I just spent $600 on a limousine rental, and I just found out that doesn't include a driver.

Spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

I just found out my older wife was cheating on me

Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah

Just found out you can’t use Beef Stew as a password

Apparently it’s not Stroganoff

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

I just found out that Staples™ actually has staples...

On a completely unrelated note I'm making a trip to BJ's

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

I just found out my best friend is a communist...

I should have known, all the red flags were there.

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my best friend is gay…

his dick tastes like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm heartbroken! I just found out my wife is a typical racist.

See, I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife takes one look at her and says, "Get the fuck out!"

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

I just found out some people are offended by dry humor.

They must try drinking water.

I just found out I'm a millionaire!

I converted my paycheck to rubles.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Well...I just found out you can’t run in campgrounds...

You have to RAN.....because it's.......past tents. BWAHAHAHAHA

I just found out I'm allergic to legumes

Doctor says it's a lentil illness

I just found out about Dry-erase boards

They are remarkable !

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that cock fighting involves chickens

There's a year of my life I'll never get back!

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

I just found out what a vanishing point is.

It really puts everything in perspective.

Just found out that the boss of IKEA is the new Prime Minister of Sweden

He's still assembling his new cabinet

I have just found out that my boss has been telling people that I hallucinate

He didn't have the guts to say anything to me, directly.

A little bird told me

I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.

They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

I just found out the electrician I hired is unlicensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out testicular cancer runs in our family…

Which means even our balls grow a pair!

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that Elon Musk has 10 kids.

The only thing he can pull out of is Twitter.

I just found out that my girlfriend is a mime.

I can’t believe that after all these years, she never told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out from a time traveler who lost tonight’s debate!

America!

Enjoy the shit show. Cheers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I'm a sex worker

If I don't do work around the house, I don't get any

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my wife is homophobic.

You should have seen how mean she was when I introduced her to my boyfriend…

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

Just found out that Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted all those lambs to keep quiet.

I just found out how TV announcers enter brothels. And I'll share that secret...

But first.

Just found out...

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. Damn, he couldn't even finish his sentence.

Just found out I have multiple personality disorder

I gotta tell the other guys

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

I just found out that Murrah building domestic terrorist accomplice Terry Nichols is still alive at 67 years old.

OK Boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

I just found out diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

I just found out that the Energizer Bunny got arrested!

He was charged with battery.

We've just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he's just like Walter White!

Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out I qualify for the Pfizer Vaccine!

Apparently if you buy more than 20,000 Viagra a year you're a preferred customer, and get a free dose.

I knew it was too good to be true. I’ve just found out my wife’s been cheating for TWO YEARS!!

I just knew no one could be that good at Call of Duty without using an aimbot.

I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed...

... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?

I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.

Just found out my pal has the Indian variant of Covid

At first he felt unwell, then he slipped into a korma

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic.

And as far as I know, he still is !!

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

I just found out that Bruce Lee had a vegan brother

Broco Lee

I just found out that I failed my Binary 101 exam.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

I just found out you can get paid for donating sperm!

All that money that's just slipped through my fingers.

Bad news. Just found out that I’ve failed my English exam

That's the 3th time now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my wife is dead...

The Sex was the same but the dishes have been stacked for days.

Yo I just found out that

Ironman is a (Fe)male

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

I just found out about electricity...

It gave me a real shock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apperantley some guy just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

He said he lost 2 years worth of training

WHERE DID HE TRAIN?

Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

Just found out one of the ladies who sang "Push It" has Parkinson's

She's a Salt-N-Pepa shaker now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out what the F.C.C stands for

Fuck Consumers Continuously

I just found out that the name Niamh is pronounced Neve.

I couldn't beliamh it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my girlfriend is a Grammar Nazi.

She's going crazy because she missed her period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

Just found out I have irritable vowel syndrome...

Every time “U” tell me “I” have to do something it irritates the $h*t out of me.

Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms.

I thought they weren't open till Monday!

I just found out about the second meaning of BBC....

Who cares about British television?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

I just found out where my school camp is going to be...

...and boy, is it intense!

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

Just found out my OBGYN is deaf

Guess that makes him a lip reader

Just found out they have opened a new library in my town...

They kept that quiet.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling!

Just found out my gf was cheating on me...

What’s worse is that she’s imaginary.

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

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