UPJOKE

Just Finished Jokes

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his han...

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

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A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex

A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I...

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Just finished watching a fascinating program about beavers.

Best dam documentary I've ever seen.

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

My friend just finished his apprenticeship as a plumber.

I guess that means he's toilet-trained now.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level...

And let me tell you
That was no easy feat.

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

Very proud to have just finished my 7th Marathon in 7 days

Or Snickers as they are now called

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I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.

It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

I just finished reading a biography of JFK

The ending was mind-blowing

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space.

Its about time too

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

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I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

I just finished my hiking playlist, it has peanuts, the cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

Just finished my first shift at a can crushing factory.

It was soda pressing.

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

I just finished a book about Edison and the lightbulb.

It was a bit of light reading.

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

I just finished watching a documentary on weed

I think more documentaries should be watched this way

Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe.

It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.

I've just finished a graph charting my previous relationships...

It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.

Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel...

Ground Breaking Stuff.

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

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A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary...

A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and are heading up to bed for some twentieth anniversary maritals.

On the way up the stairs the woman glances at the pictures of their children and thinks about how much she loves her life. Once they get to t...

I just finished watching a mediocre documentary on mathematical functions.

The plot was predictable and the special f(x) was terrible.

Just finished eating a beaver curry...

It's like a normal curry, but otter.

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

I just finished 'Great Expectations'...

*...It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.*

Fishes just finished it's box office run

It flopped.

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

Just finished my spring cleaning.

Sometimes I wish I'd never bought a Slinky.

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A couple had just finished up in bed... (nsfw)

They went to go put there clothes on when all of the sudden a bumble bee flies through the window and into the girlfriends lady parts.

Girlfriend - "OH CRAP! THERE'S A BUMBLE BEE IN MY VAGINA!"

Boyfriend - "WE GOTTA GET TO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!!!! HOP IN THE CAR AND LETS GO!"

...

I just finished 'To Kill A Mockingbird'.

1/10 Worst guide ever.

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

Two friends had just finished fishing...

...and were rowing their boat back to the docks. When they arrived, the first friend got out and started to tether the boat to the nearest wooden pole. As he was doing so, he noticed that the rope was well-worn and had the potential to snap any moment. For the time being, he decided to tie up the bo...

I just finished a book. It was over 500 pages!

When you think about it, that’s really a lot of coloring.

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his...

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I had just finished a delicious meal at my favorite restaurant.

I walked out to my car in the parking deck, but realized I had forgotten to ask the restaurant to validate my parking.

Being a cheapskate, I walked all the way back to the restaurant, just to save a few bucks. I walked up to the hostess and asked "could you please validate me?"

She re...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't care for it much at first, but after a while i could 't put it down.

I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 3 days.

The box said 5-6 years.

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling n...

A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas...

The dictionary replied, "I know what you mean"

The thesaurus said, "I feel the same way"

And the atlas said, "I can see where you're coming from"

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I just finished having terrible sex with a french girl...

She kept yelling "Wee Wee Wee" and it was very off putting. She should have gone before we started

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

I just finished a book about the berserkers...

apparently they used to be all the rage.

My brother just finished his doctorals

So he went to Starbucks to celebrate.

The cashier said. "What would you like sir?"

"I would like an espresso please" my brother replied.

"Okay sir, I just need your name." The cashier said.

"It's Stephen" My brother replied.

"With a 'ph'?" The cashier asked.
...

I just finished up my spherical geometry class

Dunno why I bothered, there's literally no point.

I’ve just finished inventing a time machine...

...I’m going to get started on it tomorrow.

Just finished the book Eating for Dummies

Boy was it hard to digest

I just finished making a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

I just finished watching a very realistic series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale was shot in front of a live audience.

Just finished a great book about a transvestite who has a speech impediment.

The title is "Man or Myth."

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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.

A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat. She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"

The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on w...

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks!

I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.

I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".

Best $600 I have ever spent!

I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list

Edit: beer bucket.

Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ...

started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas.

Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem.

Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use.

Several w...

I just finished my exam on communism

I really hope I get good Marx

I just finished reading a book by a group of amateur poets...

The poems aren’t bad, but you can tell they’re not prose.

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

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A couple just finished watching "who wants to be a millionaire?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "do you want to have sex?"

"No", she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!"

So the man replied, "then I'd like to phone a friend"

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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

I just finished reading Great Expectations.

It wasn't all I hoped it would be.

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

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An egg and a chicken just finished having sex...

The egg rolls over, lights a cigarette, and says "well, I guess that settles that."

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Brakes

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.

He applies brakes hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The train driver jumps and walks to the boy who had just finished and was standing ...

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A young couple have just finished making love on their porch.

A young couple have just finished making love on their porch. As they are lying there naked a small bee flies into the woman's vagina. After they both freak out a little they then jump in the car and drive to the nearest doctor.
They get to his house and run inside and quickly explain the situat...

An awkward friend of mine just finished his PhD in palindrome theory..

Now he's Dr. Awkward.

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

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So a dentist just finished his first root canal...

I guess you could say it was his crowning achievement.

What do you call a Jamaican that just finished his reggae album?

Ben-jamin

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

I've just finished my autobiography. I hope lots of people buy it.

Then my life might actually be worth writing about.

I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire

I rate it a 5/7

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Trump..

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen here in America."

President Trump says, "Well your excellency, anything I can do to help you?"

The Saudi whispers "My son watches your show *Star Trek* and in it ther...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

I just finished my carpentry exam. I got 80% for drilling, 90% for planing, but 100% for hammering!

Nailed it!

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

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An algebra teacher had just finished his lecture when he saw a female student...

She had stayed behind after everyone else had left, furiously working away at proof exercises. The teacher walked up to her and said, "Why are you working so hard?"

She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."

The teacher looked be...

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A soldier in World War 2 had just finished serving on the front lines...

On a crowded train ride back from Germany the man is trying to find a seat but alas there is none. Finally he comes along the only open spot on a train with a womans small dog sitting in it.

"Excuse me mam I'm very tired may I sit in that spot?" The man pleads.

"Ugh you Americans are s...

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

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