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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

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A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you want to move to Israel?” asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

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Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moishe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

My aunt is a Jew. And a holocaust denier.

We call her Auntie Semite

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

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An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.

He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."

A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."

The old Jew ...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

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An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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Why are jews circumcised?

Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

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NSFW a Catholic is trying to convert a wealthy Jew.

He says he'll get baptized as soon as he gets back from a business deal with the Pope. He comes back and the Catholic asks how's the Pope.

The Jew says "guys a riot, I walked in the door and the guy was doing coke in the middle of an orgy"

"Well shoot I guess you don't want to become ...

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A Chinese and a jew sit next to each other in a bar. Out of nowhere, the jew slaps the Chinese across the face.

The Chinese goes: "What the fuck was that about?"

The jew responds: "That was for Pearl Harbor"

The Chinese: "Wait, I am from China."

The jew: "Japanese, Chinese, all the same."

After a while the Chinese punches the jew in the face and says: "That! Was for the Titanic."<...

The blonde, the policeman, the jew, and the chicken from the other side of the road enter a bar.

The bartender stares at them for a few seconds, then asks: "Is this a joke?"

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3 Jews walk into a bar...

mitzvah

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An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

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It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

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A Jew goes into a brothel

— Hello, I’d like to hire the services of a woman called Alice

— What a coincidence, that’s my name. What do you want done?

— I… I want to be pegged

— Oh, how kinky. Why are you looking for this, my sweet mohel?

— Because I’ve always wanted someone named Alice to find out...

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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How do you tell the difference between a Hasidic Jew and a Basic Jew?

Measure their Ph

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% off.

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How heavy is a Jew

Chances are he Israelite

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What did the Jew barista do?

Hebrew coffee

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

I've never been a good Jew...

...for one thing, I'm Catholic

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days?

None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain

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A russian, a jew and a german are at a bar

they talk about their grandfathers war experiences. The russian says: "war for my grandpa was so bad, he was shot on the eastern front fighting germans". Hearing this the jew says: "you think that is bad? my grandfather got killed in a concentration camp...". Seeing that the situation makes him stan...

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a jew, a muslim, and a christian walk into a bar.

the bartender asks the christian what he'll have. and the christian says he'll have a bible. and the bartender asks what it is. and the christian says "oh it's a scotch with cinnamon"

and then the bartender asks what the muslim will have. and the muslim says he'll have a quran. and the barten...

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What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew

Orange juice

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Why won’t Moses travel with Jews ever again?

Because they bring things that they don’t knead

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

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An old jew visits the pope

The pope was sitting in his office one day when his secretary came running in.

“Your Holiness, there’s an old jew who’s been sitting outside your door every day for the last few weeks. He said he wants an audience.”

The pope was surprised by this statement, but seeing as the jew had w...

A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks:

Is anything ok?

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Why didn’t the Jews eat Jesus on Passover?

Because Jesus rises.

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People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

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A Jew comes to his Rabbi

And said "Rabbi, hear my lament. I had a son, my only son, and he was a good son. Best student at the university. Was about to become a great doctor at Jerusalem hospital. What does this nudnik? Falls in love with a goy and converts to the Catholic faith! What should I do?"

Said the Rabbi "Oh...

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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar

A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. The barman looks up at them and says they only have alcoholic drinks today.

"Then I shall have to leave," States the Muslim "I am not allowed to drink alcohol due to my religion."

"I shall also have to leave," Says the Christian "I am of...

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My grandad used to say: "There is always room at the top."

Great guy.

Terrible at hiding Jews, though.

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What did Jimi Hendrix say after he accidentally cut the end of a jew's penis off?

"Excuse Me While I Bris This Guy"

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The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.

Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"

PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."

Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"

PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

&nbsp;

So a cruise sh...

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A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

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What do Jews and metalheads have in common?

Both like the old Testament.

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were conversing . . .

The Chinese man was proudly explaining the antiquity of his heritage. “We trace our history continuously through many dynasties and cultural periods way back to over 3,500 years ago!”
The Jewish man respectfully replied , “That is very impressive, indeed, but our history began over 6,000 yea...

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I am an Irish Jew

I am drinking only if you are buying

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An old jew dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, he asks god if he wants to hear a holocaust joke.

God agrees and the man tells him the joke.

When he finishes the joke, god looks at him and says "That's not funny, actually it's quite offensive."

The old man shrugs and says "I guess you had to be there". ...

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Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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Old Jew Joke - "The Jewish Elbow"

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push-button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Jew are all drinking together.

The Irishman says "Well, I bought the first bottle. Who'll be getting the next?" Without hesitation the Scotsman says, "It's no problem. I'll pay for it."

The next day the newspaper headline read "Ventriloquist Jew Beaten to Death!"

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A yamen jew is sitting the the living room and his kids starts complaining

Dadd... I'm hot!

ok my child sit next to the air conditioner

a few moments pass and the child complains again...

Daaaad! I'm still hot!

Ok ok my child, sit closer to the air conditioner



after a few seconds the child complains again.

Daaad! Daad! I am...

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

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After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot....

I'm Jewish and Nonbinary.

My pronouns are oy/they.

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

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Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when…

a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man cryi...

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Sixty Years

In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched hi...

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What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

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What is the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

A bullet leaves the chamber.

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A Jew goes to confession

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”

“Yes,” “Lust is a dangerous sin.” says the priest!

“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back t...

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My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

What’s the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

One comes back from camp

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A Jew walks into a New Zealand bar

The bartender says, "Hey bro."

The Jew replies, "How did you know?"

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Why don't jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

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Jews and hookers

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

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Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they...

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

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How many kinds of people?

(Inspired by the joke "there are 2 kinds of people, those who say there are 2 kinds of people and everyone else)

An interfaith conference is held on diversity. An attendee from each religion addresses their view on the kinds of people in the world.

An atheist rushes the podium and says...

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A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus

Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.

The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”

“Matzah diet?”

“Yeah...

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A Chassidic Jew walks into a bar...

He's wearing a long black frock coat, his ear locks are curled and dangling, and he's got a large bullfrog just sitting on his shoulder. The bartender turns around, sees him, and says, "hey, where'd you get that thing?" The bullfrog croaks, "in Brooklyn, there's hundreds of them!"

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A paedophile, a billionaire and a jew walk into a bar...

"What will you have Mr Epstein?"

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

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A Chinaman and a Jew were drinking in a bar

when all of a sudden the Jew knocks the Chinaman out of his barstool

Chinaman: “What’s that for?!!”

Jew: “That’s for Pearl Harbor!!”

Chinaman: “That wasn’t us, that was the Japanese!” To which the Jew replies, “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese. they’re all the same!”

They put t...

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A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

What is a dishonest Hebrew’s favorite time of year?

Jew-lie

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

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Two Jews are standing in front of a catholic church...

...where a sign is outside that says "Become Catholic today and receive 100 $".

Jew 1 says; Nice, I think I am gonna do this.

Jew 2 says; No, you can't just change your religion like that!

Jew 1 says; Yes I can, and 100 bucks is 100 bucks!

So Jew 1 goes in and comes back...

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A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

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An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will

He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else.

The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:

"It's none of my business,...

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A catholic, jew and a muslim are talking.

The catholic says: "Hmmm, I wonder what'll happen in 2030..."

The muslim follows with: "Dude, why are you going so far into the future? It's still like 700 years till 2030..."

The jew finishes with: "...Guys? What are you talking about? 2030 was like, I dunno, 3000 years ago?"

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A joke that only Jews will get.

A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right throu...

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

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A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

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NSFW: Whats the difference between santa and jews?

Santa comes down the chimney.

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

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Why are there Ten Commandments?

When God wanted to gift his commandments to mankind, he approached the French first.

"I have commandments for you", he spoke.

\-"What do they say?" the French asked.

"Well, 'thou shalt not commit adultery' , for example."

\-"No thank you, you can keep them", the French...

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One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because h...

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Where do you send a Jew with ADHD?

To a concentration camp.

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Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar

And had a wonderful time together sharing drinks, paid their tab, and left. It was quite pleasant.

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

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Indian Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'...

Ezra, a devout Jew, sent his son to Israel to learn about the culture.

When Ezra's son came back, he told his father, "I had a great time in Israel. I even converted to Christianity!"

Ezra was so shocked that he decided to tell his next door neighbour, Levi, also a devout Jew.

"Funny you should mention this," said Levi. "I too sent my son to Israel and he...

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The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed

And he asks for a priest. "A priest?" asks his concerned wife. "Don't you mean a rabbi?" No, no." is he adamant, "a priest, a catholic priest." His wife, fearing he is losing his mind, is still not convinced. "What do you need a priest for?" "I want to convert." Wife is naturally shocked. "Convert? ...

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